


Getting Low

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Elements of noncon/dubcon, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-23 10:41:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17078810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: Alternate ending to “Demons & Angels”When Low Rimmer ends up on Starbug at the end of the episode, Lister decides to try and rehabilitate him.  Can he really turn this work of pure evil from heinous to huggable?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started work on this fic several years ago as a potential joint project with Kahvi, and recently got enough inspiration to pick it up again. If there’s anything of hers still in this draft I hope she will step up to claim rightful credit for it!

“But it doesn’t make sense!  Who’s controlling him?” Kryten asked, perplexed.   Cat shot the lock off the cupboard door and a figure tumbled out, with ripped fishnets and ruffled feathers.  “You!” Lister’s eyes widened in alarm.   
“Yes.  Me.” Low Rimmer got to his feet and glared at his surroundings, still clutching Lister’s remote.   
“What the smeg are you supposed to be?” Rimmer’s face was a picture of horrified disbelief, “A goth flamingo?”   
“Never mind his dress sense!  What is he DOING here?” Lister chimed in.  Of all the Lows who could have stowed away on Starbug, Rimmer was the one he least wanted to see.  His right hand reared up and slapped him and he yelped. “OW! Someone take that thing off him!”   


Cat took aim with the bazookoid, “You heard the man.  Hand it over.”   
“Why would I do that?” Low Rimmer sneered.   
“You never seen a gun before?”   
“Have you never seen a hologram before?  You can’t shoot me, little housecat. Your weapons are useless against me.”  Cat glanced at Kryten for confirmation.   
“He’s right, Sir.  Unless, of course, you manage to hit his light bee.”   
“Worth a try,” Cat shrugged, taking aim again.  Low Rimmer quickly ducked behind his double, grabbing his hair and using him as a human shield.  “Ha! Try and shoot me now!”   
“Get the smeg off me, you loony kink-muppet!” Rimmer screeched, frantically trying to slap him away.   
Cat eyed the pair of them for a moment, then shrugged.  “Hey. Still worth a shot.” He raised the bazookoid again.  

“Sir!” Kryten protested.   
“Cat!  Stop!” Lister ordered.   
“You want your body back or not, bud?”   
“Don’t worry, Sir,” Kryten waddled forward, “I’ll just take the implant out.”  Lister punched him in the head, knocking him backwards. “Argh! Sorry, man!”   
“No offence taken, Sir.”   
“I think I broke my knuckles!” Lister wailed, “Will someone get that smegging remote!”   
“You’ll have to kill me to get this remote control back!” Low Rimmer taunted, “He’s mine now and I’m not giving up the prettiest toy I’ve ever had that easily!”   


His face suddenly drained of what little colour it had and he sank to his knees with a whining noise.  Rimmer stepped away from him briskly, straightening his uniform. “I’ll take that,” he said, scooping the controller out of his double’s limp hand.     
“You hit me in the balls, you lowlife piece of sewage-water scum!” Low Rimmer seethed, then grinned approvingly, “Nicely done.”   


Kryten stepped forward and plucked the implant from Lister’s behind, without incident this time.  Lister immediately raised his fist to his mouth to suck on his sore fingers. “Well,” he grumbled, “now what do we do?  How is he even here? Why hasn’t he disappeared along with his ship?”   
“Best guess is his lightbee synced with the nearest power supply, which happens to be ours.  His projection must be piggybacking alongside Mr Rimmer’s.”   
“Isn’t that a huge drain?”   
“Maybe not.  He is, after all, a far less complex simulation.  He only has about fifty per cent of Mister Rimmer’s personality algorithms.”   
“I’d say more like seventy,” Cat remarked, grinning.   
“But what do we do with him?” Lister persisted, nervously eyeing the glowering figure on its knees across the room.  “We can’t send him back to his ship. It’s gone.”   
“What’s the big deal?  Can’t we just shut him down?” Cat asked flippantly.   
“It depends, Sir.  His program may have become entwined with our Mister Rimmer’s.  It will take some time to go through the files and make sure they haven’t merged.”   
“I say we just kick him out the airlock and be done with it,” Rimmer said hotly.   
“No.”  Lister threw him a poisoned look.  “Enough people have died today.” _And_ _I’ve_ _still_ _got_ _the_ _blood_ _on_ _my_ _hands_.   
“And whose fault is that?” Rimmer glared at his double, “We’d all be goners if he’d got his way.”   
“Not _all_ of you,” Low Rimmer leered at Lister, “At least not yet.”     
Lister squirmed uncomfortably and Rimmer looked back and forth between them, perturbed.  “Why do you care what happens to him? He’s a murderer.”   
“Maybe he is, but we’re not.  That’s why I care. Whatever he’s done, we can’t just execute him.”   
“Not even for crimes against fashion?” Cat interjected with a look of disdain.   


“Look, he can’t hurt us,” Lister pointed out, and wondered if he was trying to reassure himself as much as the others.  “Without that implant, he’s harmless. Although...” he edged forward cautiously and quickly swiped the holowhip away. Low Rimmer swung at him, but his hand swished through Lister impotently, “...we should probably confiscate this.”   
“Curious,” Kryten ran the psi-scan over both the controller and the whip, “They seem to be made from the same compound.  It must have been developed specifically for combined human/hologram use.”   
“Why?” Lister asked.   
“The remote was probably originally used to control some kind of mining equipment, to allow holograms to work seamlessly alongside their living colleagues.  The Lows must have adapted it to use with the implant. Ingenious really. I’m not sure I’d want to speculate on the purpose of the whip.”   
“None of you seem concerned about the fact that he can still hurt _me_ , implant or no implant,” Rimmer protested.   
“Well, you can hurt him back,” Lister pointed out, “But you can’t do any real harm to each other, you’re both dead already.”   
“So, that’s alright then, is it?” Rimmer asked huffily.   
“Look, if nothing else, we’ve got the holowhip now.  We can keep him in check.”   
“Interesting.  If I hurt your whiny friend are you going to whip me, my pretty?” Low Rimmer crooned, with a wicked smile.   
“My _pretty_?” Rimmer repeated incredulously.   
“Ugh, right.  I should have guessed you’d get off on that,” Lister grimaced.   
“I’d rather do it to you,” Low Rimmer wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, “But I’m open to experimentation.”   


Cat made a gagging noise and Rimmer looked traumatised.  “Is he...is he _flirting_ with you?”   
“I don’t know if I’d call it flirting exactly,” Lister replied uneasily, “But trust me, man, it’s nothing on what he was saying earlier.”   
“And you want to take him back to Red Dwarf with us???”   
“You never know,” Lister said hopefully, “Perhaps with a little patience and guidance we can help him.”   
“Help him?  How?” Cat asked incredulously.   
“I don’t know.  Make him less...evil.”   
“That seems ambitious, Sir.”   
“Well, it’s worth a try,” Lister glanced over uncertainly.  Low Rimmer was looking him over like he was tender lamb biryani.  It was disconcerting to say the least. “At least until we think of something else,” he added quickly.   
  
Back on Red Dwarf, they gathered in the drive room while Kryten ran a check on Rimmer’s hologram folders.  “As I suspected, there seem to be a number of duplicate files in Mr Rimmer’s cache, obviously belonging to our friend here.  I’ll set up a programme to try and weed them out into a separate folder.”   
“How long will that take?” Lister asked anxiously.   
“Let’s see,” Kryten tapped in the command code and hit the enter key.  “It says.....three hours and fifteen minutes. No wait. Sixteen hours.  Twenty-eight hours. Seven days. Sixty-five years. My, that seems extreme.”   
“We are not putting up with this Rocky Horror reject for the next sixty-five years!” Rimmer insisted, then yelped.  “ _Ow_! He pinched me!”   
“Hey!  Stop that!” Lister scolded.  “Behave yourself!” Low Rimmer stuck his tongue out defiantly.   
“Don’t panic, it’s coming down again now.  Eight years, four years, eighteen months. Three months.  It seems to have settled on three months, sirs.”   
“Still too long,” Rimmer grumbled.  “Ow!”   
“Oh, for smeg’s sake.  Just pinch him back,” Lister snapped irritably.   
“If we turn him off before the programme is finished running, Mr Rimmer, we risk losing some of your data files too.”   
“So we have to live with him for three whole months?”   
  
Lister huffed.  This was not what he’d hoped for but it looked like they didn’t have much choice.  He turned to square up to the scowling Low Rimmer, “Okay, listen up. I don’t think I need to tell you, you are not my favourite person right now.  I have had a very, very bad day thanks to you and your nasty mates. I’m talking proper physical and emotional scars here. So unless you want to spend the next three months locked in quarantine with no food or entertainment, we’re going to need to set some ground rules.  I’m going to need to see some serious commitment on your part to bettering yourself. Is that clear?”   
“What’s in it for me?” Low Rimmer folded his arms, glowering.   
“If you can prove to us that you can be good, and that you can be trusted, then maybe - MAYBE,” he raised a finger to hush the other Rimmer’s protests without even having to look at him, “...we won’t turn you off when your files are finally isolated.  But you have to earn it.”   
“How?  What do you expect me to do?”   
“Yeah, buddy.  What do you expect him to do?” Cat asked, baffled.   
“Yes, what do you expect him to do?” Rimmer demanded.   
  
Lister raised an eyebrow.   
  



	2. Chapter 2

“That’s it,” Lister said encouragingly, “That’s it!  You’ve got it! In, out, in, out.”   
“I just keep doing this over and over?” Low Rimmer asked, puzzled.   
“Yes.  But try and do it a bit more gently, okay?”   
“I don’t know how to be gentle.”   
“Well, try.  We’re going to end up with a mess otherwise.”   
“Dave,” Holly chipped in warily, “are you sure teaching him to knit is really a good idea?”   
“It’s very therapeutic,” Lister insisted.   
“Yeah, but do you really want to improve his dexterity with pointy objects?” she asked.   
“It’s fine.  He can’t poke me with the needles you simulated.”   
“I can stab that other me,” Low Rimmer muttered rebelliously.   
“Not unless you want to end up on your own in quarantine,” Lister warned sternly.  “We talked about this. No stabbing. No strangling either. We’re not having a repeat of this morning.”    
“It’s not like he needs to breathe.  Besides, it barely even left a mark. It was simulated angora.”   
“I don’t care how soft it was!  That’s not what we use yarn for.  Now concentrate – more stitching, less bitching!”      
  
“What are we even making?” Low Rimmer complained bitterly.   
“I don’t know.  Maybe some nice woolly stockings for you that don’t have holes in,” Lister mocked.   
“Maybe a straitjacket?” Rimmer interjected, entering the sleeping quarters rubbing his neck pointedly.   
“You okay, man?”   
“I’m fine, no thanks to your psychotic craft buddy.”   
“It didn’t even hurt,” Low Rimmer muttered.   
“It did hurt!  Besides, finding oneself suddenly being choked is unpleasant to say the least.”   
“You don’t need oxygen.  And it was only for about a second anyway.”   
“But it doesn’t matter, because he’s very sorry,” Lister said sternly.  “Aren’t you?”   
“No, he isn’t.”  Rimmer bristled with indignation.   
“Aren’t you?” Lister repeated warningly.     
Low Rimmer rolled his eyes.  “Yes, yes. Very sorry.” He pulled a face at Rimmer while Lister wasn’t looking.   
  
Rimmer folded his arms, “You know, I think Lister’s right.  You _could_ do with some new clothes. Holly, put our new crew member in something more respectable, would you?”   
There was a _blip_ , and suddenly Low Rimmer’s piercings vanished, his hair was brushed flat, and he was dressed in a black polo neck jumper and neat beige slacks.  Even Lister snorted a laugh. Low Rimmer however was unamused. He glared at Rimmer, “I will kill you in your sleep.”   
“Too late,” Rimmer said smugly.   
“It’s a very different look,” Lister said with a smile, “But maybe it’ll grow on you.”   
“I want my old clothes back!”   
“Hol, can you figure out some kind of happy medium?” Lister asked.  The slacks became leather trousers, and a skull motif appeared on the jumper.  His hair was gelled up into spikes, and one earring reappeared. “Better?” Lister asked.     
Low Rimmer pondered grudgingly before replying, “Better than nothing.”   
“Don’t sulk.  That old get-up can’t have been comfortable.”   
“You two look like the saddest rock band in history,” Rimmer sniped.   
“Knitting is very rock and roll,” Lister retorted.  “Holly, give Rimsy some nice tight leather trousers too so he doesn’t feel left out.”   
“Hang on a minute...!”   _Blip_. Rimmer glared at him.  “Very mature, Lister.” He waddled out, creaking.   


“Now, where were we?” Lister turned his attention back to the knitting.  “Let’s see how you’re doing.” Low Rimmer held up his work. “Not bad. Nice tidy stitches.  Good even tension. It’s a weird shape though, what’s it supposed to be?”   
“It’s not finished yet.”   
“Okay, what’s it going to be?”   
“What I think of when I look at you.”   
Lister tilted his head with a quizzical frown, then his eyes widened.  “Okaaaay. Maybe let’s try something else. How about a nice scarf?”   
  
Later that night, as they lay in their respective bunks, Rimmer made a renewed plea for sanity.  “When are you going to give up this ridiculous business? You can’t change him. You can’t bring out the good in him.  There isn’t any. That’s the whole point.”   
“I can still try,” Lister said stubbornly, “People can change.”   
“The ability to change for the better is a positive trait, Lister.  He has no positive traits, he is composed entirely of my negative traits, ergo he is incapable of change.  It’s really very simple.”    
“I need to feel like we gave him a chance.  Otherwise...”   
“Otherwise what?”   
“I’ll always feel wrong about turning him off.”   
“But you accept that’s what we’ll have to do eventually?”   
“I don’t know.  Maybe.”   
“Maybe?”   
“Okay, probably.  Let’s see how it goes.  We’ve got time.”   
“Don’t you even want revenge for what they put you through?  If it was me, I would.”    
“You don’t even _know_ everything they put me through,” Lister’s fingers tightened on his pillow.  There were some things he didn’t think he’d ever be ready to talk about.   
“Which makes my point all the more valid.”   
“Listen, I killed two people with my bare hands on that ship, Rimmer.  I nearly killed more. It didn’t feel great. Forgive me if I would rather avoid killing anyone else.  Even him.”   
“I know it was horrible for you, but I didn’t particularly love being garrotted this morning either.”   
“I know, I’m sorry.  I’ll do my best to keep him away from you.”   
Rimmer hesitated, “And if I’m honest, I don’t like the way he looks at you.”   
“Yeah, well, that makes two of us.  At least he can’t touch me.”   
“I know but...it makes me uneasy.”   
“You didn’t see what he knitted earlier.”   
“What?”   
“Nothing.  Look, if he does anything to hurt you again, we’ll stick him in quarantine.  Fair?”   
“Fine.  But mark my words, no good will come of keeping that guy around.”   
  
Lister awoke in the dark, drowsy and befuddled, an erection throbbing eagerly between his legs.  He automatically went to reach for it with one sleepy hand, but couldn’t move. He tugged, confused.  His wrists were tied above him. His eyes flew open, adrenaline flooding through his system. Low Rimmer was crouched above him, watching him with dark glee.  Lister realised that he was slowly, rhythmically rubbing his thrumming light bee up and down his cock. He made a desperate sound in his throat and realised he was gagged.  Low Rimmer smiled as he saw the understanding in Lister’s face that he was helpless. “Come for me now, my pretty. You’re close, aren’t you? You can’t stop yourself. Just give in to me and _come_.”   
  
Lister jerked awake, gasping.  His boxers were sticky and tight.  He was alone in his bunk. He slumped down against the pillow, breathless and shaken.  “Just a dream,” he whispered to himself soothingly. “It was just a dream.”   
  
  
“So,” he found himself saying brightly the next day, “Movie Marathon!”     
Low Rimmer looked back at him suspiciously, “What movies?”   
“Nice movies,” Lister stressed.  “Movies to teach you about the value of kindness, friendship and love.”   
“I feel sick already.”   
“Well, we’re here to learn, aren’t we?”   
“Can we at least alternate?  We watch one of your movies, then watch one of mine?”   
“No.  Splatter movies are not going to enrich your soul and raise up your spirit.”   
“Enrich my what?”   
“Never mind.  Just shut up and watch.  We’ve got a lot to get through.”   
  
Lister put on one of his favourite romances and made himself comfy with the sweet n’ spicy popcorn.  About halfway through the film, he gradually started to feel uncomfortable, his skin prickling as if he were being watched.  He slowly slid his eyes to the left. Low Rimmer had shuffled nearer to him on the couch and was leaning over, his face just inches away.  Lister gulped. _He_ _can’t_ _touch_ _you_. _Remember_ , _he_ _can’t_ _touch_ _you_. “Hey,” he said unsteadily, “Eyes to the front, guy.”   
“You smell nice,” Low Rimmer told him with a lazy smile.   
“Thanks,” Lister replied nervously, “That is a very nice compliment which I appreciate.  But watch the film, yeah? You’re supposed to be taking notes.”   
“You’re far more…interesting.” He licked his lips pointedly, sliding one hand down into the front of his trousers.   
  
Lister straightened up in his seat, the hair on the back of his neck standing on end.  “If you’re not going to watch properly then we’ll go back to knitting,” he threatened. Low Rimmer growled quietly, but removed the hand and slunk back in his seat.  Lister breathed a quiet sigh of relief.   
“Why is that man giving her plants?” he asked grouchily a few minutes later, as the hero presented the blushing love interest with a bunch of roses.   
“Because he likes her,” Lister explained.   
“What is she supposed to do with them?”   
Lister considered this, “I dunno really.  It’s just nice.”   
“It’s pathetic.”   
“It’s _romantic_.”   
“Why?  They’re useless.”   
“They’re nice to look at.  And they smell nice.”   
“Like you?”   
“Erm...” Lister was flummoxed.  “Not exactly.” He changed the subject quickly.  “You can give people other things to show you like them.  Chocolates. Teddy bears. Jewellery. Just find something nice and tie a ribbon around it and you’ve got romance.”   
  
“Romance?” The original Rimmer sniffed, entering the room and viewing the vid with a sneer, “What a pile of codswallop.”   
“Oh good,” Lister sighed. “Finally something you two have in common.”   
“Am I interrupting something?” Rimmer asked snarkily.  “Is this date night?”   
“I’m trying to teach him about the finer side of human nature.  Kindness. _Love_. And this attitude of yours is not helping.”   
“Lister, if being force-fed a steady diet of the sugary syrup-drenched dreck you consider good entertainment had any effect, I’d be a literal gingerbread man by now.  It’s not going to make an iota of difference.”   
“We’ll see, won’t we?” Lister folded his arms.   
  
“What’s happening now?” Low Rimmer narrowed his eyes in confusion at the movie.   
“He’s made a trail of candles to lead her to their special meeting place.”   
“I see.  And then when she gets there, he jumps out and kills her, right?”   
“What?  No!” Lister heard the original Rimmer cackling behind them and turned to him disapprovingly.  “ _Rimmer_!”   
“You have to admit, Listy, it would make for quite a twist.”   
“Ugh.  And you have the audacity to act like he’s so despicable and not just all the nasty parts of you laid bare.”   
“I was only joking.”   
“Well, it’s not funny.” Lister got up and stomped off.   
“Where are you going?” Rimmer asked.   
“Away from the pair of you, because you know what?  You’re both horrible.”   
“Lister, wait.  Don’t leave me alone with...”  It was too late. Rimmer turned awkwardly to look at his low self, who was watching him with a smug smile.  “Popcorn?” he grinned.   
  



	3. Chapter 3

Lister sat in the drive room, watching morosely as the computer ran through the programme separating the two Rimmers’ files.  Maybe this whole thing really was pointless. If he couldn’t even encourage normal Rimmer to be a decent human being then what chance did he stand with his loathsome low self?  He didn’t seem to be making any progress. Perhaps they should just stick him in quarantine and forget about him until the files were cleared.    
  
After all, there was no doubting it would be a relief in many ways.  Rimmer was right; soft light or not, his continued blatant (and frankly disturbing) sexual interest in Lister was disquieting.  That dream last night had clearly been his own psyche’s response to the sense of threat he felt from the man. Even though he knew he couldn’t _actually_ climb into his bed, tie him up, and force thrillingly hot orgasms from him in creative ways, the thought of it was still....Damn.  He’d lost his train of thought. Anyway, he was feeling disheartened by the whole thing.   
  
“I found you.”  

He looked up to see the cause of his dilemma peering eagerly around the door.   He sighed heavily. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to you.”   
“That’s not very nice.”   
“Oh, good.  I’m glad you’ve at least progressed to the point where you can tell.”   
“Silly Listy.  I know the difference between nice and nasty perfectly well.  I just prefer being nasty.”   
“Well, then maybe I’ll be nasty too and tell you to smeg off and leave me alone.”   
“Hmmm.  The nice thing to do would be to comply.  But I don’t want to.” Low Rimmer dropped into the seat next to Lister with a leery grin.     
“Leave me alone.  I’m not in the mood for you right now.”   
“But I want to show you something.”   
Lister looked at him warily, “What?”   
  
Low Rimmer reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of paper.  “You told me to try and express myself through creativity instead of violence.  So I did some drawings.”   
“Okay.  That’s...a positive step,” Lister acknowledged cautiously.  He unrolled the paper. He looked at the drawings. Low Rimmer cackled delightedly at his reaction.  Lister threw the paper back at him, red-faced. “You’re disgusting.”   
“Don’t you like them?”   
Lister gave him a frosty look.  “You haven’t learned anything, have you?”   
“Nope.”   
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just drop-kick your light bee into quarantine and leave you to rot.”   
“Because it would make you feel bad.”   
“Don’t count on it.”   
“Please.  You’re a cinnamon roll full of warm squishy feelings.  As long as I’m not actually a danger, you won’t lock me up.  Besides, you like having me around.”   
“Excuse me?”   
“Trying to fix me makes you feel good about yourself.  And you need to feel good about yourself right now because of what happened on my ship.”   
“I had no choice in any of that!”   
“But you still feel bad about it.  You still think about how it felt, killing those others.  You think about that other you, and how he’s still inside you, no matter how much you want to pretend otherwise.”  Low Rimmer reached over and twirled one soft-light finger around Lister’s belly button.    
  
“Knock it off!” Lister swatted at him instinctively, to no avail.   
“I’m not touching you.”   
“Well, stop pretending to.”   
Low Rimmer grinned evilly, his hand sliding down to hover over Lister’s crotch.  “I’m not touching you,” he cooed again.   
Lister jumped up.  “What is your problem?  Why are you so fixated on me?  You don’t act like this with the others!”   
“You’re my favourite.”   
“Why?”   
“Because you’re the prettiest.  Because you’re the softest, in every way.  Because you tremble when I get close to you.  Because I’ve seen the very worst of you, I know the darkness within you _intimately_.  And I know there’s a part of you that’s drawn to me, however much you hate it.”   
“I don’t think so.”   
“I _know_ so.”  Low Rimmer gave him a self-satisfied smile.  “He used to love our games. He used to beg me to play with him.  So deliciously depraved.”   
  
Lister tried to compose himself.  “Let’s get something clear,” he said defensively, “Maybe you’re right, maybe I am doing this to feel better about myself.  And maybe I wouldn’t do anything bad to you unless I really considered you a threat, instead of just a rotten, mangy, aggravating little smegger.  But there is no way in _hell_ that I want anything to do with you. You’re an evil, revolting, nasty piece of work who put me through one of the worst experiences of my life, and I wouldn’t let you touch me even if you could.  You can go along with my self-help lessons if you give a damn, or just shut yourself away in a different part of the ship and leave us all alone. It’s up to you. But there is _nothing_ you can ever say or do that will ever convince me to let you near me after everything you did.  You’re repulsive and you disgust me.”   
To his surprise, Low Rimmer seemed genuinely offended.  “Well, that certainly wasn’t very nice, was it?” he remarked resentfully.   
  
Lister spun on his heel and marched out, still angry; but mainly furious with himself that despite everything, the wounded look on Low Rimmer’s face just now had actually succeeded in making him feel bad.  He needed a drink.   
  
He returned to the bunk room several hours later, still in a bad mood.  “Where have you been?” Rimmer demanded.   
“Taking a little Me Time to regret every single decision I’ve ever made,” Lister replied shortly.   
“Every single one?” Rimmer asked sweetly, “Or just one in particular?”    
Lister flopped into the chair next to him moodily.  “Why d’you have to be so messed up?” he complained. “This would have been so much easier if you weren’t such a human garbage fire.”   
“Don’t try to blame me because your stupid project didn’t work out.  I don’t expect your low self was a picnic either. Have you been hiding from him all day?”   
“I wasn’t _hiding_.”   
“I warned you, you know.  You can’t teach a rabid dog house manners.  You’ll just end up ankle-deep in crap. I don’t know why you ever thought this would work.”   
“Because I’m _nice_ ,” Lister insisted furiously.  “I am a _nice_ _person_ , with _faith_ in people, and I believe in kindness and love and that anyone can be better if they put their mind to it!”   
“You’re a muppet,” Rimmer responded, amused.   
“Doesn’t it bother you?” Lister rounded on him.  “Doesn’t it bother you at all that he’s part of you?”   
“Of course it does.  But it’s not like I didn’t know already that I was a total bastard,” Rimmer smiled smugly.  Then the smile faltered.   
  
“Is that why all this has upset you so much?” he asked.   
“What do you mean?”   
“Like I said, I’ve always known I’m a bastard deep down.  Not even that _far_ down. But you...you’ve always thought of yourself as nice.  You don’t like the idea that there’s something horrible lurking inside that’s a part of you.  Something that’s vicious and depraved, and even murderous. That’s why you’re so desperate to change him.  So you can prove to yourself that you can overcome even the worst aspects of yourself.”   
“That’s not true!”   
“Oh yes it is!  This isn’t really about him at all, it’s about you.  You’re trying to tame your own savage psychological drives, like a child trying to force a hissing, spitting, clawing feral cat into a dress and doll’s pram.”  Rimmer sat back, pleased with himself. “I should be a psychologist!”   
“You should be in a loony bin!  You’re way off, man.”   
“Trust me, Lister.”  Rimmer stood up cheerfully.  “Just accept that you’re as messed up as I am, and you’ll feel much better.  You can’t change it, or him. You’ll just drive yourself crazy trying.”   
Lister slumped back in his seat.  “Ugh. Maybe you’re right.”   
  
“What on IO is this?” Rimmer picked up a strange object on Lister’s pillow.     
Lister joined him and took it.  “I dunno. That’s weird.” He turned the object over in his hands.  It was a cluster of kitchen knives, bound together with the blades splayed outwards to create a lethal-looking superweapon.     
“I think we can guess who it belongs to,” Rimmer sniffed.   
“He must have got the skutters to assemble it for him.”   
“Why?”   
“Frustration, probably.”   
“That is terrifying.”   
“He can’t use it.”   
“He thought about it.  That’s terrifying enough.”   
“Well,” Lister said wearily, “at least he can’t do anything with it.  Although I kinda wish he hadn’t left it on my pillow. It’s a bit creepy.”   
“A bit???”    
  
Lister turned the multi-knife over in his hands sadly.  You could carve out someone’s heart with this thing with just a stab and a twist.  He thought again of the knife plunging into his high self and shuddered. “We can’t do much until we finish running through the files.  But if anything else happens, we’ll have to quarantine him.”   
“Absolutely.  Let’s just wait until he actually stabs someone.”   
“Calm down.  Without holo-weapons, he can’t do anything.”   
“Whatever.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you when that kitty rips off his bonnet and scratches you up.”   
“Okay, okay.  You’ve made your point.”   
  
Rimmer stared at him meaningfully before walking out.  Lister began to pick at the knot holding the knife bundle together, meaning to take it apart and put the knives back in the kitchenette before Kryten started complaining; but the black satin ribbon had been tied very securely and the slippery material made it harder to get a grip and unwrap it.  Why had they used ribbon for smeg’s sake? Lister froze suddenly. He looked again at the object he held. The way the handles were all lined up, the way the blades were each pointing neatly outwards in a pleasingly symmetrical fan, the black ribbon wound carefully around the stem. _Find_ _something_ _nice_ , he heard his own voice saying, _and_ _tie_ _a_ _ribbon_ _around_ _it_ …   
  
He looked up and caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror above the sink.  “Smegging hell,” he whispered, looking at himself holding onto the bizarre and frightening thing.  Now the idea had occurred to him, he couldn’t unsee it. Was this really what he thought it was?    
  
“Hey Bud,” Cat sauntered in and started raiding the fridge, with the barest glance at what Lister held in his hands, “What’s that supposed to be?”   
“Romance…” Lister responded faintly, still staring at the image of himself and his knife bouquet, “…I think.”


	4. Chapter 4

Lister lay awake, pondering this new development.  How was he supposed to react? Should he follow his original plan of encouraging any sign of positive behaviour, and show appreciation for the gesture?  What was he supposed to say? “Thank you for the terrifying bunch of knives you left on my pillow”? How could he even be sure of Low Rimmer’s intentions?  Given their earlier encounter, the bouquet (if that even  _ was _ what it was supposed to be) could be anything from a peace offering, to an attempt at flirtation, to outright mockery.

He curled up anxiously under the blanket.  He’d play it by ear, and see what the guy had to say for himself tomorrow.  Although knowing Low Rimmer, it was unlikely to be anything reassuring.

 

“Lister.  Lister. Get up.”  Rimmer’s voice roused him the next day.

“What is it?” He yawned, grudgingly opening one eye.

“There’s a card for you outside the door.”

“A card?”

“Yes.”

“So open it.”

“Of course.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Oh, yes! That’s right! Because I’m  _ dead _ .”

Lister gave a sleepy sigh, “Fine.  Just leave it. I’ll look at it later.”

“I want to know what’s in it.”

“Why?  There’s not exactly a long list of people it could be from.”

“I know!  That’s why I want to see.”

“Oh for smeg’s sake.”  Lister threw back the covers and flopped out of the bunk.

He picked up the red envelope and tore it open.  The card showed a plump teddy bear offering a bunch of flowers.  Lister started to read the inscription. “Roses are red, violets are blue, you make me feel horny, and I wanna…oh my god.”  He closed the card despairingly. “I s’pose I should have seen that coming.”

“Is that a love letter???” Rimmer’s expression was indescribable.

“I don’t think love has much to do with it.  It’s more of an obscene catcall in postal form.”  Lister tossed the card onto the table and crawled back into his bunk.

Rimmer was visibly flustered.  “What’s wrong with him? Why does he keep...pestering you?”

“He’s your smegged up low self, man.  You tell me.”

“Are you suggesting that  _ I _ want to…?” Rimmer’s eyes stretched unhealthily wide.

“Oh, don’t start freaking out.  We’re all lonely, okay? Lonely and horny and sad.  He’s just not got any filters on it. Besides, he gets a kick out of making us uncomfortable.  The best thing to do is not give him a reaction.”

 

When Low Rimmer came creeping into their quarters some time later, Lister flashed the original a quick warning look across the table.   _ Don’t say anything.  Don’t give him the satisfaction.   _

 

“Good morning,” Lister said politely.

“Good morning.”

“Thank you for the card.  And my bouquet.”

“Bouquet?” Rimmer looked up from his book, scowling.

“Did you like it?”

“It was unconventional, I’ll give you that.”

“You said to find something nice.  Knives are pretty and shiny.”

“But sharp.  Flowers aren’t as dangerous.”

“Wait a minute.  Is that what that thing was?” Rimmer persisted.  “A bouquet?”

“Roses have sharp bits too,” Low Rimmer pointed out.

Lister pondered this, “Well, yes.  Fair enough.”

“And the card had flowers  _ and _ a teddy bear.  That’s romantic.  You told me so.”

“The card was very nice.”   _ Shame about the inscription though,  _ he thought.

 

“What’s all this about, miladdo?” Rimmer demanded.  “What are you up to?”

“I’m being nice, just like Listy wants.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to make him happy.”

 

Lister blinked and looked up in surprise.  That wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting.  “So you don’t switch me off” maybe, or even just an outright, “To try and get some action”.  That Low Rimmer had acknowledged the idea that Lister might have feelings at all, let alone that those feelings might actually matter, was a strange new development.  And also highly suspicious. Rimmer clearly felt the same way.

 

“So where exactly has this sudden spirit of beneficence sprung from?” he asked, arms folded.

“Yeah,” Lister echoed.  “Given that not so long ago, you very openly wanted to  _ hurt _ me.  I mean, those were your exact words.”

“Well, that would be fun too.  I can still do that if you want.”

“No, no!” Lister said quickly.  “That’s not what I meant. We’re just asking where this change of heart has come from.” 

“Because I like you.  Isn’t that obvious?”

“You...like me,” Lister repeated cautiously.  “In what way?”

“I like being around you.  If I do things that please you, then you’ll let me be around you more.  That’s how it works, isn’t it?”

“Well, sort of.  I guess.” Lister looked blankly at Rimmer, unsure how to process this.  Rimmer looked furious. “No. That’s  _ not _ how it works.  You can’t just do nice things so he’ll hang out with you. It’s not that easy, Squire.”

“Well,  _ you’re _ not nice and he still hangs out with you, so it can’t be that hard.”

 

Rimmer’s mouth opened and closed in indignation.  Lister couldn’t help but grin. “I think what Rimmer is trying to say is that doing nice things just to get something in return isn’t actually very nice.  But honestly, given the alternative, I’d rather you were making the effort than not. So, yes; if you can try to be good, even if it’s because you want something, I will spend more time with you.”  He stood up to go and find some food, feeling much more positive than he had earlier. A thought occurred to him as he went out the door and he paused to look back over his shoulder. “Just remember, being nice because you want something, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to  _ get _ it.”

 

Once he was gone, Rimmer slapped his book down on the table with annoyance.  “I know what you’re doing,” he said accusingly.

“Is that so?” Low Rimmer sneered.

“It’s not going to work.  You don’t seriously believe you can fool him into thinking you’re anything but a vile sadistic degenerate?”

“If he didn’t believe I could be anything else, I wouldn’t be here,” Low Rimmer gloated.

Rimmer fumed, “What do you even think you can get out of this?  We can’t touch him!” He corrected himself quickly. “I mean,  _ you _ can’t touch him.”

Low Rimmer glanced down his nose with disdain, “Those lessons with him must be working, because clearly I’m far more creative than you.”

Rimmer raised a warning finger, “Listen up, Fetish Freddy.  You keep your paws off him. I’m watching you.”

“What about the rest of me?” He circled his pelvis lasciviously.

“All of you!  Just leave him alone!”

“If you can learn to be nice too, maybe I’ll let you watch.”

Rimmer stormed out, cheeks red, his low self’s filthy cackle ringing in his ears.

 

Lister was in the science room with Kryten later that day, when Low Rimmer arrived.  He was pushing a wheelbarrow. “What the smeg is that?” Lister asked nervously.

“A present.”  Low Rimmer emptied the wheelbarrow out onto the floor.  It was full of chocolate bars. Lister stared at the pile, speechless.

Kryten looked on with concern, “Not to be a nag, Sir, but to consume that amount of confectionery would be seriously detrimental to your health.”

“Wow.  Thank you, Kryten.  I would never have known.”

“Ah, sarcasm mode detected.”

 

Lister turned to his admirer, exasperated.  “Okay, for realsies though, what’s going on here?  Is this romance too, or a sneaky assassination attempt at death by chocolate?”

“It’s a gift.  I am pitching woo.”

Lister snorted in amusement.  “Is that what this is? Okay. Well, much as I appreciate that, there’s not gonna be any ‘woo’ here, okay?  And certainly no ‘woo-hoo’.”

“I think you’ll find resistance is futile.”

“Futile.  Really?”

“My research shows that if I perform the necessary tasks you will develop an emotional attachment to me.”

“What research?”

“I watched the rest of those films you left out.  They make the romantic transaction appear relatively straightforward.”

“Transaction?”

“Yes.  I just need to find the correct ritual to elicit a response from you.”

“Interesting,” Kryten piped up.  “In principle it appears to be a sound socio-psychological theory.”

“Yeah, thanks Kryten.”

“You’re still in sarcasm mode aren’t you, Sir?”

 

Lister took a deep breath, “Listen, man, I appreciate the effort, really I do.  But come on, what do you think is gonna happen here? I  _ know _ you’re only doing this to manipulate me.”

“So?”

“So, it doesn’t work if I know it’s not sincere.”

“What is ‘sincere’?”

“It means you’re not doing it for the reasons you say you are.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not!  You don’t actually care about me.  You just want to save yourself from getting deleted, and maybe have a little fun while you’re at it.  Which, as I keep reminding you, you can’t do anyway.”

“Well, what’s wrong with any of that?  If making you happy achieves those things then don’t we both win?”

“I’m not sure the kind of fun you’re after would make me happy at all.”

“Only one way to find out,” Low Rimmer waggled his eyebrows.

“Thanks, but no thanks.  Been there, done that, still traumatised,” Lister retorted flatly.  “No amount of chocolate is going to erase my memory.”

“But you  _ did _ say you would spend more time with me if I was good.”

Lister heaved a sigh.  “Yes. I did. So what do you want to do?”

“You have to go to the movies with me.”

“Fine.”

“And I choose the film.”

“Okay, whatever.  Come and find me when you’re ready.”

“I will.”

 

Lister sighed again and picked up a caramel swirl bar.  “What have I got myself into?”

“Well, I’m not an expert on these matters, Sir.  But, by the sounds of it, a date.”

  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

“Okay, I’m here.  What are we watching?” Lister stood in the foyer of the ship’s cinema, still not entirely convinced this was the best idea.   
“Horror movie,” Low Rimmer responded instantly.  He darted eagerly through the screen doors. Lister grabbed a bucket of popcorn and followed him, amused but also a little frustrated.  This was the most enthusiasm the man had shown for anything since he’d arrived, and it was for watching people get splattered.   
  
“Romantic convention dictates that we sit in the back row,” he told Lister authoritatively, “so no-one can observe our sordid sexual exploits.”     
Lister looked at him, looked around the empty auditorium, and made a counter offer.  “Or, seeing as there’s not gonna be any sexual exploits, or in fact anyone to witness them, maybe we could just sit in the middle with the best view of the screen.”   
  
They settled into their seats and Lister took a handful of popcorn as the titles started to roll.  He’d never seen this movie before, so maybe the entertainment would be okay even if the company wasn’t great.  “If you get scared you can sit on my lap,” Low Rimmer whispered flirtatiously.   
“Is that why you picked a horror movie?” Lister tried not to laugh.   
“It is apparently a tradition of courting to watch a scary film together.  Besides, I like horror movies.”   
“Hmm, no surprises there.  But it might surprise you to know that I actually like horror movies too, so I won’t need to sit on your lap, thanks all the same.  Or rather,  _ in _ your lap.”   
  
The film got into full swing.  About a third of the way through, at a particularly gruesome bit, Lister found himself jumping and covering his face.  “Oh no. Oh  _ no _ .”   
“Does Listy need a cuddle?” Low Rimmer cooed mockingly.   
“Shut up.  I just...wasn’t expecting that.”   
Low Rimmer slid a sneaky arm across the back of his chair, “Do you require...comforting, my pretty?” he purred.   
“ _ No _ .  And move your smegging arm.”   
  
A scream cut through the darkness and Lister winced, closing his eyes again.  “Ugh.”   
“I thought you liked horror movies.”   
“I like cheesy horror movies.  This is just horrible.”   
“ _ Horror _ -ble.”   
“You’re not funny.”   
  
“What is going on here?” Rimmer’s shrill voice mingled with the latest on-screen scream, making Lister jump again.   
“Don’t do that!” he clutched at his chest.   
“We’re on a date,” Low Rimmer smiled tauntingly.   
“We are  _ not _ on a date, we’re just hanging out.  And I told you to move that arm!”   
“Well, if you’re not on a date, you won’t mind if I join you.”  Rimmer very deliberately plonked himself into the seat in front of his other self.   
“I can’t see!”   
“Oh, for the love of smegging Jupiter, not this again,” Lister complained.   
“What?  I just happened to choose a seat a random.”   
“Rimmer...”   
“Move or I’ll kick you in the back of the head,” Low Rimmer growled.   
“You’re not kicking anyone!  Rimmer, stop being a petty spiteful jerk.  You don’t even want to watch this movie.”   
“Maybe I do.  Maybe I’ve been thinking about watching this movie for a really long time.”   
“Blood makes you hurl.”   
“I’m a grown man!  I can handle a little tomato ketchup.”   
“If you say so.  But if you really want to stay then come and sit next to me so you’re not blocking the view.”   
“Fine.”  He slid into the seat the other side of Lister.  The two Rimmers glowered at each other poisonously.   
“I can see you two.  Just knock it off and watch the movie.”    
  
Within minutes, Lister noticed Rimmer going pale.  He grinned. “Okay there, Big Man?”   
“Dandy.”   
“If you really don’t like it, just go.  It’s not a big deal.”   
“I said I’m fine!  You’re not enjoying it either, why don’t we both go?”   
“I can’t go, I promised I would do this.”   
“Then I’m staying too.”   
“I’ll be ok.  He can’t do anything to me.”   
“He’s not worried about you.  He’s just jealous,” Low Rimmer chipped in.   
“I am not jealous.”   
“Yes, you are.  The only reason you even came down here was because you were worried we were having sexual exploits in the back row.”   
“Why don’t you go and have sexual exploits with yourself in the back row?”   
“Guys...”   
  
A blood-curdling scream made them all look back at the screen.  Low Rimmer grinned with delight. Lister covered his eyes. Rimmer threw up in Lister’s lap.   
  
As the three of them walked back to the habitation decks, Lister broke the sulky silence.  “Next time,  _ I’m _ picking the film.”   
“It would have been fun if chunder-face here hadn’t butted in,” Low Rimmer muttered.   
“It was only holo-vomit.  It disappeared after just a moment,” Rimmer protested.   
“Yes,” Lister sighed, “let’s look on the bright side.”   
  
Outside the sleeping quarters, Low Rimmer bid him goodnight.  “Sweet dreams, Listy.” His smile was evil.   
“Don’t worry about me.  The film was gross but I don’t think there’ll be any nightmares.  Although I can’t speak for Rimsy.”   
“I meant enjoy your sweet dreams of me.”   
“I wouldn’t worry about that either.”   
“Feelings of fear are generated in the same part of the brain that deals with sexual arousal.  Mild stimulation of this area, such as watching a scary film, is known to also stimulate erotic feelings.”  Low Rimmer smiled smugly. “That’s one of the reasons why horror movies are such a popular choice for dates.”   
“That’s why we had to sit through that gore-fest?” Lister complained.   
“You are turned on, you just don’t know it yet.”   
“Yeah, Rimmer looks horny as hell,” Lister cast a doubtful glance at their green-tinged companion.   
“You’ll see.  This shared experience has now cemented sexual associations with me in your brain.”   
Lister didn’t know how to respond to that.  He didn’t even know where to start. He just shook his head wearily, “I’m going to bed.  Goodnight.” He went inside.   
  
Rimmer managed a weakly triumphant smile.  “Tough luck. I think I successfully purged any of your so-called sexual associations when I puked on him.  Joke’s on you.”   
“No, he’ll still associate the movie with me.  The puking he’ll associate purely with you. But nice try.”   
“When are you going to get it through your thick greasy head?  You are not going to get anywhere with Lister. He is not going to fall for this nonsense.”   
“Yes, he will.  You know why? Because he wants to.”   
“What do you mean?”   
“Listy is a hopeless romantic.  Why do you think he watches all those stupid slushy films?  He  _ wants _ the silly cliches, and the stupid gestures, and the big touching redemption story.  He wants to believe in it, so he will. And I’m going to give it to him. I’m going to give him the whole thing, and he’s going to fall in love with me.”   
“In your smegging dreams!” Rimmer brayed angrily.   
“He will; he won’t be able to help himself.  And there’s nothing you can do about it.”    
“We’ll just see about that.”   
“We shall.  Indeed we shall.”  Low Rimmer walked away, cackling.   
  
  
Candlelight fluttered.  The stars outside the window glowed brightly.  The champagne bubbles sparkled in the soft dim light of the restaurant.  “Okay,” Lister said grudgingly. “Even I have to admit you’re kinda getting the hang of this ‘romance’ thing.”   
“You are enjoying this?” Low Rimmer asked, topping up his glass.   
“Yeah.  It’s maybe just a tad fancy for me, but what the hell.  I’m going to let you have this one.”   
“I told you I could learn to please you.”   
“Don’t get cocky.  Stick with the classics and you can’t go far wrong.”  He sipped his drink. “Although I’d prefer a lager. And bow ties don’t normally have skulls on.”   
“I like skulls.”   
“I know, I know.”   
  
Lister glanced out of the window.  He wondered how long it would be before Rimmer cracked and gate-crashed this encounter too, as he had almost every attempt his low self had made to get Lister alone over the past few weeks.  Not that it had always been entirely unwelcome. Some of those encounters had been misjudged at best to vaguely terrifying at worst. At least the guy was trying.   
  
He felt bad in a way.  Over the last couple of months he had been spending a lot of time trying to get Low Rimmer to a point where they could maybe trust him enough to leave him on, but that had inevitably meant neglecting the original somewhat.  He was used to having the bulk of Lister’s attention and that had suddenly ceased. It was no wonder he was acting a little resentful and jealous. Of course,  _ he _ hadn’t offered to take Lister to dinner, so he couldn’t complain that much.   
  
“I’ve got a gift for you,” Low Rimmer reached into his pocket.   
Lister was instantly wary, “What is it?”   
“Don’t look so nervous.  It’s something...classic.  Hold out your hand.”   
“No way.  Not after last time.”   
“Trust me.”   
“Easier said than done.”   
“It’s nothing that can hurt you.”  Low Rimmer moved the chair closer.    
Lister looked at his eager face and took a deep breath.  “Okay. But I warn you, if it’s anything bad, I’m leaving.”   
  
He held out his hand.  Low Rimmer dropped something into his palm.  “Oh!” Lister examined it in surprise, “It’s...a shiny rock.”   
“It’s a diamond.  A raw diamond.”   
“Seriously?”  Lister held it up, fascinated.  “Where did you get it?”   
“I found it on that last planetoid we visited.  While that other me was pissing about with the flags and stuff.”   
“I thought you were gone a long time.”   
“I had to find the skutters to bring it back.”   
“Thank you,” Lister smiled.  “This is the nicest thing you’ve ever given me.”  Although, he mused to himself, the bar wasn’t super high on that front.   
“Nothing says romance like diamonds, right?” Low Rimmer said hopefully.   
“Right.  But don’t go getting ideas.” Lister eyed him.  “I’m still not letting you whip me.”   
“Will you let me kiss you?”   
  
Lister paused.  He hadn’t expected this and was uncertain what to say.  Or do. The guy  _ had _ been trying really hard lately.  But still... “We can’t.” He fell back gratefully into the faithful old safety net.   
“We can,” Low Rimmer said, coy suddenly.  “If you’ll trust me.”   
“What do you mean?”  Low Rimmer reached under the table and drew something out, sheepishly.  Lister‘s heart slammed. “Where did you get that?”   
“It doesn’t matter.”  The holowhip hummed into life.  Lister went to jump up, but found he was bound to his chair.     
“Let me go!”   
“Trust me, Listy.”  Low Rimmer leaned forward, placed the tip of the holowhip tail against Lister’s lips, then placed his own on top.  Lister gasped. With the holowhip as a conduit, he could feel the mouth against his. It tingled lightly. Curious despite himself, he touched it gently with his tongue.  Low Rimmer purred and responded in kind. Lister found himself getting hard. “You see?” Low Rimmer purred, wrapping the whip around his hand. “I can touch you anywhere with this.  Anywhere at all.” The hand found its way to the zip of Lister’s trousers. He could feel it tingling, thrumming against his erection. “You just have to trust me...”   
  
Lister awoke with a soft cry, his cock still pulsing as he came.  “Lister?” Rimmer grumbled below him. “Y’okay?”   
“Yeah.  Yeah, fine, man.”   
“No nightmares you said.  Hah!”   
“That wasn’t a nightmare.  It was...uh...foot cramp. Ow.”   
“Oh.” Rimmer went back to sleep.     
  
Lister curled up, heart pounding.   _ Enjoy your sweet dreams of me _ .  “Dammit,” he whispered under his breath.   
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

The following morning, Lister still felt unsettled.  He sat at the table sipping his coffee, reluctant to go and find his troublesome pupil.  He was fairly sure Low Rimmer would come to find him sooner or later anyway. The guy was nothing if not persistent.     
  
He watched Rimmer from across the table with curiosity.  He knew it was too much to hope for that the low version would ever achieve the level of sophistication he’d imagined in his dream last night of dinner, champagne and diamonds.  Even if he did, much like in his dream, Lister still wouldn’t trust him. But what about Rimmer himself? Did he have it in him to get the hang of romance? Of kindness even? If not, what was Lister wasting his time for?   
  
“What’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone?” he asked suddenly.   
Rimmer didn’t even look up from his book, “Not literally murdered the scouse git attempting to play his guitar within hearing range.”   
“I’m serious,” Lister said.  “You must have done  _ one _ good, kind, selfless thing in your existence.”   
“Nothing springs immediately to mind.  Why do you ask?”   
“Looking for inspiration, I suppose,” Lister said dismally.   
“Well, you’re not going to find it here.  I’m not giving you any excuses to keep that animal around.  As soon as his files are isolated, I want him gone.”   
  
Lister felt an unpleasant weight in his stomach at the words.  “Rimmer...I don’t know if I can do that to him.”   
Rimmer put down his book, face stony.  “Why not?”   
“I know he’s awful, but he’s still human.”   
“No, he isn’t.  He’s barely even an actual person.  He’s just a cluster of negative traits barely held together with a rampant libido.”   
“I’m not so sure, man.  He can think, and feel. Maybe not anything good, but he can.  He can even be quite creative, in his own way.”   
“Don’t tell me you’re actually starting to get attached to that horny gremlin.”  Rimmer looked genuinely panicked.   
“‘Attached’ isn’t the right word,” Lister said uncomfortably.   
“I knew this would happen,” Rimmer chided him.  “You’re too soft for your own good. Lister, he knows that he’s got to win you over to stay on.  That’s the only reason he’s laying it on so thick. And even trying his hardest to make an effort, he’s still a creepy nightmare.”   
“But he  _ is _ trying.”   
  
“Why do you want to save him so badly?” Rimmer demanded, “After everything he did to you?  The rest of the Lows are gone, the Highs too, and you’re not losing any sleep over it. Why can’t you just switch him off and be done with the whole ghastly business?”   
“Lots of reasons,” Lister replied angrily.  “I’m partly responsible for creating him, for a start.  All of them, the Highs  _ and _ Lows.  And if you think I haven’t lost any sleep over that, or over what happened to the High crew, then you’re wrong.  I just want  _ something _ good to have come out of this mess.”   
“It won’t be him.  Trust me.”   
“How can you be so sure?”   
“Because he’s part of me, Lister.”  Rimmer scooped up his book again, clearly agitated.  “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly the mushy type and I’m not big on self-improvement.”   
“But you have the potential to be,” Lister said.  “It’s there inside you. I’ve seen it, remember?” He paused for just a second before saying, “More than once.”   
Rimmer’s face reddened, “Whatever.  But believe me, any attempt he makes at cootchy-coo is motivated purely by self-interest.  He has no real feelings for you whatsoever. Try and remember  _ that _ .”   
  
Time ticked on.  The files gradually separated each day.  Lister continued to try his best to instill some kind of humanity in Low Rimmer.  Low Rimmer continued to try various methods of performing ‘romance’ to impress Lister.  Neither of them were achieving much.    
  
Lister got him to watch ‘The Sound Of Music’ all the way through.  He rooted for the nazis and the next day he turned up in Lister’s quarters in a sexy nun costume.  On one night he drew Lister down below decks to show him ‘something special’. Lister followed him dubiously into the depths of the ship and out onto the gantry overlooking the cargo bay.  Looking down into the hold, he saw a sea of candles carefully arranged to spell out a simple message. Low Rimmer seemed baffled and even slightly hurt when he doubled over laughing. “What’s so funny?”   
“ _ You _ .  Smegging hell, man.  You went to all that effort, and that’s what you decided to write?”   
“Of course.  What else? Isn’t it romantic?”   
“The idea was romantic.  The set-up was romantic. The punchline, not so much.”   
“How else was I supposed to say it?” he asked, frustrated.   
“Sometimes, man, it’s better to leave things unsaid.”   
“I don’t understand.  If I leave it unsaid then what is there to write?”   
“Not that.”  Lister said firmly, and walked away, shaking his head.     
Low Rimmer looked down at his handiwork and huffed indignantly.  “Ungrateful bastard. I don’t see what I did wrong.” He followed Lister back to the habitation decks.     
  
Down below, the words ‘FUCK ME’ glimmered in the darkness until the skutters arrived with fire extinguishers to put the candles out.   
  
Rimmer kept a suspicious eye on proceedings, doing his best to chaperone where possible.  Not that he actually had any faith in his low self achieving anything close to actual romance; Rimmer himself had no clue in that department so thought it unlikely his lookalike would succeed on that front.  But when it came to being devious and manipulative, Rimmers were masters.    
  
“What are you so worried about?” Lister asked him eventually, apparently amused.  The three of them were sitting on a thin blanket on a barren rocky moon. Lister was wearing a spacesuit.  An empty wicker basket sat between them. Low Rimmer had seized on the idea of a romantic picnic but hadn’t quite grasped the finer details.  “What the smeg do you think we’re going to get up to out here?”   
“I don’t think you’re going to get up to anything.  I’m just making sure he behaves himself.”   
“You weren’t even invited!” Low Rimmer snapped, squinting through the grey space dust hanging in the air.   
“It’s a free moon.  I didn’t realise I needed permission to step outside and enjoy a frozen wasteland from time to time.”   
“I’m going back inside,” Lister shook his head.  “By all means, you two take your time appreciating the vast expanse of dust.”   
  
Back on Red Dwarf, Lister finally challenged him.  “Seriously, man. Why does all this bug you so much?”   
“It doesn’t.”   
“Rimmer, you just spent half an hour sitting on an icy bare rock so me and him wouldn’t be alone together.”   
“You’re welcome.”   
“Don’t give me that.  I can handle it, I want to know why  _ you _ can’t.”   
“Who says I can’t?”   
“Then what’s this all about?  I know you want him switched off, are you just trying to sabotage my attempts to change him so he has no chance of staying with us?”   
“No.”   
“You can’t be worried about me.  You know better than anyone that he can’t hurt me.”   
“I know.”   
“Are you jealous?” Lister asked directly, after a pause.   
“What?  Of course not.  Why would I be jealous?”   
“I know I’m spending a lot of time with him but it doesn’t mean...I mean, you know nothing’s gonna happen, right?  Obviously not physically, but not anything else either.”   
“Of course I do.  Not that it matters.  I don’t give a smeg what you do.”   
  
Lister thought hard before continuing.  “He did tell me a little while ago that him and me - the other me - used to...” he trailed off vaguely, “...do stuff.  Together. I’m not sure exactly what, but it might explain why he’s so interested in me.”   
“And you believe him?”   
“Why not?”   
“They couldn’t touch each other either.”   
“I imagine they found ways,” Lister mused innocently, thinking of his recent dreams.   
“It’s probably a big fat lie,” Rimmer replied stiffly.  “He’s just trying to put ideas in your head. Don’t think about it.”   
“What if it’s true?”   
“What if it is?”   
“They’re both part of us.”   
“A strange, weird, perverted part.  What are you getting at?”   
“I guess what I’m trying to say, to  _ ask _ ,” Lister swallowed hard, “You’re not acting like this because of this whole... _ thing _ ...with me and him?  All this ‘woo’ nonsense?”   
“Don’t be so absurd.  I’m not acting like anything, I’m just keeping watch to ensure he doesn’t find  a way of killing us all in our beds.” He quickly turned Lister’s question back on him.  “You’ve obviously been giving this a lot of thought. Are you sure you’re not starting to go soft on him?”   
“What?  Get outta town!  I’m not raving mad.”   
“As long as you keep him around, you are.”   
Lister squirmed, “Look, Kryten and Holly should finish running through the files in a few days.  We’ll make a final decision then what we want to do with him.”   
  
That night, Lister dreamed he was wearing a corset and stockings, and came in his sleep again, dreaming of a holowhip wrapped around his erection, and a lightbee buzzing merrily in a place it really shouldn’t be.   
  
Late the following morning, Rimmer realised that he hadn’t seen either Lister or Low Rimmer for hours.  They weren’t in any of the usual places. He debated with himself what to do about this. After the awkward talk yesterday he certainly didn’t want to give Lister any further reason to think that he might actually care what they might be doing.  He should go about his day and prove that he wasn’t the slightest bit interested. And certainly not jealous.   
  
But then...they might be doing  _ anything _ .  Who knew what desperate and underhanded ploys his low self might be using to manipulate silly suggestible Listy?  He should check it out. He’d find out where they were and what they were doing. So long as it was nowhere important and nothing of concern, he would continue to ignore them.  Because he really didn’t care.   
  
“Holly?”   
“What?”   
“Is that putrid pest sniffing around Lister again?”   
“Of course he is.  Does he ever do anything else?”   
“Well, where are they?  What are they up to?”   
“They’re just talking.”   
“ _ Where _ ?”   
“Up in the observation dome.”     
  
Rimmer’s face contorted.  He set off down the corridor at a march.


	7. Chapter 7

Lister looked out at the stars, turning to take in the full effect of the cosmos wrapped around them.  “What are we doing up here?”   
Low Rimmer whipped away a sheet on the ground, revealing another wicker basket, “After yesterday, I did some more research on picnics.  Apparently a pleasant environment and food to eat are considered essential components.”   
“That is the norm.  What made you choose this place?” Lister asked curiously.   
“Isn’t this a pleasant environment?”   
“Yes.  That’s why I’m surprised you thought of it.  Knowing you, I’d have thought we’d end up in the munitions store or something.”   
“That’s what  _ I’d _ like.  This is supposed to be about you, and I thought you’d like it here.”   
Lister cocked his head, surprised.  “You’re right. I do.”   
“I got the skutters to prepare your favourite foods for the picnic.”   
“How do you know what my favourite foods are?”   
“I’ve been here nearly three months now.  We have spent every single day together, my pretty, and I have done nothing but watch you all that time.”   
  
Lister leaned back against the railing, eyeing his companion with a thoughtful look.  “I honestly can’t decide if that’s romantic or creepy.”   
“It’s just a fact.  Just now you guessed what I would consider a pleasant environment for a picnic and you were right.  We have learned things about each other.”   
“Well, I suppose that was fairly inevitable.  I just never thought you were paying that much attention, to be honest.  You have kind of a one track mind usually.”    
A strange expression crossed Low Rimmer’s face at this comment.  He slunk over to join Lister by the railing. “Yes, I do. But I spent a long time last night thinking about other things, about  _ you _ ,” he said.  “I suppose I was feeling rather frustrated.  You seem irritatingly unmoved by all my recent efforts.”   
“Not unmoved,” Lister told him.  “I appreciate how hard you’ve tried.  At least some of it’s been a laugh. But you’re never gonna be Prince Charming.”   
“Who?”   
“Listen,” Lister said as kindly as he could, “you have to accept that we’re working towards different goals here.  I’m just trying to make you functional, not dateable. And in that respect, you’re actually not doing so bad. But face it, man, what you want out of this is just never going to happen.  Even if it could.” Lister tried not to blush, as his recent dreams skittered feverishly across his memory.   
  
Low Rimmer was not to be deterred.  “It could. With a little ingenuity.”  He seemed to give himself a shake and refocused.  “But that’s not the point. Or maybe it is. Looking back at all my failed attempts to win your favour so far, it occurred to me there was a common factor.  Perhaps I’m reading this wrong, but it seems to me that for some inexplicable reason, you are unreceptive - resistant even - to my desire to violate you sexually in obscene and inventive ways.  Is that fair to say?”   
Lister forced a serene smile onto his face and nodded sagely, “Yes.  I think that’s fair.”   
“Interesting.  Well, with that in mind I thought perhaps I should shift my approach.”   
“In what way?”   
“Instead of focusing on the physical side of our relationship, perhaps I should consider the...” he hesitated, bracing himself, and shuddered slightly, “...emotional side.”   
“I didn’t think you had one,” Lister replied, amused.    
“I didn’t think I had one either.  But the more I thought about it, I realised that you stir feelings in me that go beyond the urge to perform acts of licentious depravity.”   
“Um...Thanks?” Lister offered uncertainly.   
  
Low Rimmer appeared genuinely perturbed.  “Much as I still enjoy the idea of watching you scream in a mix of agony and ecstasy, I realised that I actually also quite like it when you...smile.”   
“Really?”   
“Yes.  It makes me feel warm in places that aren’t my genitals,” he said, concerned.  “When you laugh it makes my simulated heartbeat go faster. When you’re happy it makes me feel...not unpleasant?”   
“Happy too?” Lister suggested.   
“I wouldn’t go that far.  But I like the way it feels when you’re pleased with me.  I like the glow you get when I do something right. Or when I try to, anyway.”     
  
_ He has no real feelings for you whatsoever. _  Despite the warning echo of Rimmer’s cynicism ringing in his head, Lister couldn’t help but feel touched.  He resisted the urge to try and pat Low Rimmer’s hand. “I know this is all very difficult for you. This isn’t what you were created to be, and you have no real frame of reference for morality, or experience of true emotion, but the fact that you’re having these feelings is a good thing.  It proves you’re not just a two-dimensional monster; you’re a proper person and you  _ can _ change.  If you want to.”   
“No, he can’t.”  Rimmer’s angry head appeared at the top of the steps.   
  
“Go away,” Low Rimmer snarled at him.  “We’re having a moment.”   
“You’re having a laugh, miladdo.  That’s all you’re having. What are you doing up here?  This is a sensitive scientific area!”   
“Don’t be ridiculous, man.  You and me used to come up here all the time,” Lister said, surprised.  “I’d forgotten how lovely it is.”   
“It’s not ‘lovely’, it’s a serious research space full of delicate equipment!”   
“Rimmer, do you want something?” Lister asked wearily.   
“Yes!  Yes, I do!  I want an end to this ridiculous farce!”   
“What’s got into you?  Who rattled your cage?”   
“I’ve had enough.  The experiment ends now.”   
“What do you want me to do?” Lister glared at him resentfully.  “Just give up and lock him away?”   
“That would do for starters.”   
“He’s really starting to make progress, man.”   
“Lister, it’s a con!  It’s all a big smegging con!  He told me as much himself.” He pointed accusingly at Low Rimmer.   
“No, I didn’t!”   
“Yes, you did!  You told me you were going to trick him into falling in love with you.”   
“Noooo,” Low Rimmer replied slowly, “I said he was craving romance and I was going to give it to him.  I never said anything about tricking him.” Rimmer’s jaw dropped, and he frantically tried to play the conversation back in his head.   
  
Lister looked back and forth between them with narrowed eyes.  “Hang on a minute. Is this true? You told Rimmer you wanted me to fall in  _ love _ with you?”   
“That’s exactly what he said!” Rimmer butted in before his low self could reply.  “He said he was going to give you all the romance and clichès you were longing for.”   
“I don’t believe this,” Lister said, astounded.   
“I know!  Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous in your life?”   
  
Lister wasn’t listening.  He turned to Low Rimmer, “Why didn’t you tell me that yourself?  Why didn’t you say something sooner?”   
“Say what?”   
“You moron.  You pair of absolute morons!  I can’t believe...” Lister threw his hands up in despair.  “What did you  _ just _ say to me?”   
“Um...” Low Rimmer frowned in consternation.   
“About focusing on the emotional side!” Lister exploded.  “About giving over with all the kinky stuff and talking about your feelings!  All this time you’ve been following me around this ship, trying to hump me like a horny dog, going on and on about wanting to shag me and whatever else, and it turns out the one thing I might actually have wanted to hear, you said to Rimmer and not to me!”   
“Oh,” Low Rimmer said, the penny finally dropping.  “You mean...the L-word?” He pulled a face.   
“Yeah, smeghead!”   
  
“What difference does it make?” Rimmer protested.     
“He wanted me to  _ fall in love  _ with him,” Lister stressed.  “Not just agree to go to bed with him, or any of that smeg.  He’s started to catch feelings, man.  _ Real _ feelings, not just the filthy stuff.”   
“Lister, he only wants you to love him so he has a better chance at  _ doing _ the filthy stuff.”   
“But you didn’t hear what he said to me before you came in!”  Lister said, excited.    
“Don’t believe a word of it.  He’s lying to you.”   
“It’s true!  He’s started to actually give a damn about making me happy.  Before, he didn’t really care whether or not I liked his gifts or his behaviour, so long as he got something out of it, but now he’s started to think about my feelings, about what  _ I _ want!  That’s a huge concept for him!”  To Rimmer’s increasing dismay, Lister turned to his low self with clear delight.  “I’m so proud of you!” Low Rimmer preened smugly.   
  
This was not the showdown Rimmer had intended.  “Don’t praise him! He’s playing you like a Risk campaign!”   
“You worm,” Low Rimmer retaliated.  “You’re just bitter because I’m learning how to be good and  _ you _ still don’t know how.”   
“I may not be perfect but I’m more than a few rungs above you on the personality ladder, sunshine.”   
“Are you?  When was the last time you even  _ tried _ to do something nice for Listy?” Low Rimmer needled.   
“I’m not the one trying to get into his pants!” Rimmer protested, flushed.   
“He’s got a point, y’know,” Lister said, “It wouldn’t kill you - again, I mean - to be a tad more thoughtful.  Maybe you could learn something from all this too.”   
“He shouldn’t be nice to you just because he wants something, should he?” Low Rimmer continued gleefully.   
“That’s right, he shouldn’t,” Lister said approvingly, throwing Rimmer a challenging look.   
  
“What the smeg is this?” Rimmer was affronted. “How are we standing here with a man who  _ literally _ tortured you, and yet  _ I’m _ the bad guy?”   
“Because I’m trying to change and you’re not,” Low Rimmer countered.   
“I don’t need to change!   _ I’m _ not evil!  And you’re only doing it to get around him!”  He gestured to Lister.   
“Isn’t that as good a reason as any?”  Low Rimmer turned to Lister, doe-eyed. “I suppose what I’m trying to say, or  _ was _ before we were so rudely interrupted...” he took a deep breath, “I’m a perverted sadist with no empathy and no moral compass.  I’m  _ still _ not a very nice person.”  He attempted an ingratiating smile.  “But you make me feel things. Good and wholesome things.  You...make me want to be a better person.”   
“Awwww,” Lister beamed, his eyes misting over.  Rimmer was  _ outraged _ .     
  
“You’re not actually falling for this?  For smeg’s sake, Lister, he stole that line from a movie!”   
“But...”   
“It’s not even a  _ good _ movie!” Rimmer howled furiously, stamping his foot.    
“Well, he can’t articulate things like that for himself yet, he’s not ready.  He just found something that expressed what he wanted to say. That’s okay.”   
“He’s toying with you!” Rimmer screeched.  “He’s luring you in like a mouse into a trap set with cheesy romantic clichès instead of just cheese!”    
“What is the big deal?” Lister asked, starting to get annoyed.  “Why are you getting so upset about this? Why do you even care?”   
“Because,” Low Rimmer leaned over to stage whisper in Lister’s ear, “he wants to do terrible things to you as well.”  Lister flicked an uncertain glance at Rimmer, whose face burned red.   
“Shut up!  I do not!”   
“And now he’s a nasty stinking little pile of jealousy because someone else made the effort to get close to you...”   
“I said shut up!”   
“...And he’s terrified that I’ll take you away from him and get to do all the wicked dirty things he’s only ever dreamed about.”   
  
Rimmer launched himself at his double with murder in his eyes, and the pair of them fell through Lister, landing on the ground and rolling around in a ball of fury like a pair of cats.  “Hey! Hey! Hey!” Lister waded in and grabbed their lightbees, prising them apart, “Stop that!” He held them arms length away from each other as their fists windmilled in a sad display of useless aggression.   
“Liar!”   
“Weasel!”   
“Snake!”   
“Loser!”   
“ENOUGH!” Lister bellowed.  His voice echoed around the dome.     
  
He turned to Rimmer, his expression pained.  “This is stupid. Whatever is making you so crazy about this, you’re gonna have to get over it if we’re all going to live together.”   
“I don’t want...” Rimmer began to say desperately.   
“It doesn’t matter,” Lister interrupted sharply.  Too sharply. He checked himself and repeated it more calmly.  “It doesn’t matter. Either way. Understand? Neither of you can touch me, regardless of what you want, or don’t want, or even what  _ I _ might want...”  He quickly quashed that train of thought.  “It’s stupid and pointless arguing about it.  Just chill, yeah?” He let go of Rimmer’s lightbee, and turned to Low Rimmer.  “Same goes for you. You’ve made a lot of progress and I’m pleased about that. Don’t spoil it.”  He let go of his lightbee too.   
“He started it,” they both muttered.   
Lister put his head in his hands.  “I can’t deal with the pair of you.  I really can’t. I swear I am  _ this _ close to just...”   
  
“Sirs?  Ah, here you all are!” Kryten appeared at the top of the stairs.  “There’s a derelict just up ahead. Fancy a shopping trip?” He smiled brightly, totally missing the tense atmosphere he’d just blundered into.  “It would be nice to get off the ship for a while, wouldn’t it?”   
“Oh, god, yes,” Lister affirmed. 


	8. Chapter 8

As Starbug zipped across to the derelict Kryten had spotted, Cat leaned over in his seat and sniffed Lister curiously.  “What’s up with you, buddy?”   
“Nothing,” Lister replied defensively.   
“You smell all riled up.”   
“I’m fine.”   
“Then how come you’re suddenly giving off a crazy load of pheromones?  I can’t tell if you wanna hit something or hump something.”   
“How about both at the same time?” Low Rimmer snickered quietly from the seats behind them.   
Lister gritted his teeth, “That’s enough from you, thank you very much.”   
“I’m happy to volunteer.”   
“Shut up,” Rimmer snapped at him.   
“ _ You _ shut up.”   
“Don’t make me come back there,” Lister warned darkly.   
“Why not?  I’d like it if you were back here,” Low Rimmer replied smarmily.  “I’m sure Rimsy would too.”   
“I told you to shut your face!” Rimmer growled.   
“Guys, I mean it.”   
“As if you wouldn’t rather be back here with us anyway,” Low Rimmer added with an oily smile.   
  
“Cat, take over.” Lister said sharply, getting out of his chair.   
Cat looked at him askance, “Where are you going?”   
“I’m going to check the bazookoids are fully charged.”   
“I can do that, Sir,” Kryten offered.   
“You stay here and check the readouts.  And keep an eye on these two,” he jerked a thumb at the Rimmers.  “Try and make sure they don’t kill each other.”   
“I want to go with you,” Low Rimmer pouted.   
“No,” Lister said firmly.  “I need a few minutes to myself.”   
“What’s got you so antsy?” Cat asked.   
“Nothing.  I just need a bit of breathing space, that’s all.”   
  
Lister took himself out of the cockpit and into the prep room just off the mid-section.  He hauled down a couple of guns off the rack and plugged them into the charging station, waiting for the green light.  He sat down on a crate, letting out his breath in a long whoosh.   
  
What had he started?  The whole idea of this project had been to make Low Rimmer a useful functioning member of the crew.  Instead he’d become a catalyst for utter chaos; stirring up a whole new level of smeg in the already turbulent relationship he had with Rimmer, and playing havoc with Lister’s own emotions.  He was all too aware that Low Rimmer’s brazen pursuit of him had awoken some thoughts and feelings that he was still grappling with. From what had happened just now in the obs dome, he suspected it had also had more of an effect on Rimmer than he’d realised.  He’d made no attempt to hide his displeasure at the whole situation from the beginning, and Lister had wondered for a while if jealousy was influencing that. After all, when it came right down to it, Low Rimmer was just a part of him, and he was  _ very _ clear about what he wanted.  But how much had that desire been twisted and exaggerated from the original Rimmer’s feelings?  Lister had found his own low self almost unrecognisable, so did it really mean anything at all?    
  
But when he remembered Low Rimmer’s taunt ( _ he wants to do terrible things to you too _ ), when he thought of the way their eyes had locked in that moment, that shared sense of anxiety, uncertainty, and an almost unbearable tension, Lister thought he knew the answer.  What kind of visions had been haunting Rimmer’s dreams lately, he wondered, to provoke such an extreme reaction to those words? Were they anything like what Lister had found himself imagining in the darkness?   
  
Lister’s toes clenched inside his boots.  Much as he hated to admit it even to himself, Low Rimmer was right.  There  _ was _ a part of Lister that was drawn to him.  A part that was curious, fascinated, and yes - even a little excited by the strange and dangerous erotic energy the guy exuded.  A part that wondered exactly what would happen if Low Rimmer could touch him, if he threw caution to the wind and gave himself over to those dark desires.  But  _ only _ as a fantasy, nothing more.  In reality, and from bitter experience, Lister knew that anything the guy did to him given half a chance would likely be pretty unpleasant.  He wasn’t interested in being hurt, and he wasn’t into pain. But...   
  
Could it be true?  Was there a chance that Low Rimmer was actually starting to change?  That he might have developed real affection for him? His words had seemed genuine and Lister wanted to believe it, he really did.  If he really meant everything he’d said, was it possible they could eventually find a kind of...compromise? What did it say about how  _ Rimmer _ might really feel about him?  Would it actually make this situation any smegging easier?    
  
Just then, Rimmer interrupted his reverie.  “We’re landing in five minutes.”   
“Okay.  The charge will be finished by then.”  They looked at each other awkwardly and Rimmer quickly turned to go but Lister stopped him.  “Rimmer.” He turned back, visibly uncomfortable. Lister didn’t even really know what he wanted to say.  In a sense, he’d already said the only thing that mattered. Regardless of what any of them wanted, all of this angst was pointless if they couldn’t touch.  “I’m not going to fall in love with him,” he settled for saying quietly.   
“Are you sure?” Rimmer sniped.  “Seems to me like you’re already halfway there.”   
“I want him to be better.  And I can’t pretend that all the fuss and attention isn’t...I dunno...flattering, I guess.  In a way. But come on, do you really think after what he did...”   
“Yes,” Rimmer interrupted flatly. “I  _ do _ think.  Because I know you, and  _ he _ knows you, and I saw the starry-eyed look on your face when we were up there.  He was right about one thing at least. You’re hoping for a fairytale, for Beauty and The Beast, and you’ll believe it, because you  _ want _ to believe it.”   
“And you’ll always be sceptical because you  _ don’t _ want to believe it,” Lister responded hotly.  “Maybe he was right about more than one thing. You don’t want him to grow as a person, because it automatically sets a challenge for you to do the same.  So long as he’s rotten to the core you can feel superior, but if he starts to be thoughtful, sensitive,  _ romantic _ even, that suddenly puts pressure on you to up your game.”   
“I’m not the one playing a game here.”   
“Can you really not entertain for just a moment the idea he might be capable of emotion?”   
“You’re dreaming.”   
“You never know.  Kryten said the decay on the low ship was contagious, like an infection.  Maybe now he’s away from it he’s started to improve, to heal.”   
“Then why is he still only interested in convincing  _ you _ ?” Rimmer asked bluntly.  “He’s not reaching out to anyone else, he’s not making an effort with anyone else.  Just you. He’s still just obsessed with  _ you _ .  It doesn’t take a genius to work out why.”   
  
Rimmer saw doubt clouding Lister’s eyes at his words, and disappointment too, and didn’t know whether to feel bad or relieved, but Lister quickly shrugged it off.  “Maybe you’re right. But even if you are, I still believe he’s capable of change.” He faced Rimmer defiantly, “And I’m going to keep trying. But stop freaking out, okay?  Whatever happens, it won’t make any difference to anything between him and me.” Lister paused, “Or me and you,” he added softly.   
Rimmer frowned and shifted self-consciously, looking away.  “Fine. Whatever. Just be careful, that’s all I’m saying.”   
“He can’t hurt me.”   
“Yes.  He can.  He can hurt your feelings, and your stupid trusting soul, even if he can’t hurt you physically.  And quite frankly, I wouldn’t put too much faith in that either. He’s tricksy. Watch your back.”   
  
As Rimmer moved to return to the cockpit, Lister stopped him once more.  “I hope you’re wrong. But...I am glad that you care. Whatever the reason.”  Rimmer glared back over his shoulder at him; but underneath the annoyance there was a pain, and a fear, that he couldn’t hide, and Lister saw it.  The look they shared in the seconds that followed held no more secrets. Rimmer broke the silence. “Like you said: it doesn’t matter.” He marched away, head down.    
  
  
It was something of a disservice to call the ship a derelict.  It was abandoned but still in fine condition, even the electrics were still fully functional.  Everything seemed to work on motion sensors: lights, doors, monitors, even the mainframe seemed to be activated by their presence.   Cat disappeared to search for new clothes and toys, while the rest of the crew headed to the science room. As they entered, the workstations all lit up.  A tall device in the centre of the room glowed blue and started to spin. “Searching for updates!” a cheery female voice informed them.   
“What is it?” Lister asked.   
Kryten held up the psi-scan, “Hmm, it seems to be part of the central mainframe.  It’s scanning the ship for any systems in need of upgrading and then downloads the updates to them wirelessly.  I suppose it frees up time for the crew’s software engineers to focus on programming.”   
“Will it affect Starbug?”   
“It might, but hopefully any changes will be positive.  Perhaps more pressingly, it may temporarily affect mmmmmeeeeee....”  Kryten’s voice faded to a drone and his shoulders slumped as he shut down.   
  
Lister shook him nervously, “Kryten?”  His chest monitor lit up and played a chirpy recorded message.   
“Your droid is installing updates.  Please be patient.”   
“How long is that gonna take?” Lister asked, frustrated.  “God knows how many centuries of updates that thing has queued up!”   
“Don’t panic, we’re not in any rush,” Rimmer said dismissively.  “Perhaps at the end of it he’ll actually have some useful information for once.”   
“But...”   
“Lister, don’t worry about it.  I’m sure he’ll be just fine,” Rimmer said confidently, then promptly winked out of existence.   
“Smeg!” Lister quickly scooped up his lightbee.  A blue light circled around it, with the message ‘Pending...’   
Low Rimmer sniggered meanly, “I suppose it’s just you and me then, my pretty.”  Then he disappeared too.    
  
Lister made a frustrated sound.  He put the two lightbees down safely on a desk and went to an open monitor.  He tracked down Cat’s whereabouts and sent out a call for him to come to the science room.  He arrived pushing a maintenance trolley piled high with goods, which for some reason included an inflatable seahorse and a small fishing net, and seemed deeply unconcerned by the whole thing.  “They’re asleep, so what? Less clutter as far as I can see.”   
“I don’t know how long for.”   
“So, just wake ‘em up if you’re worried.”   
“I can’t.  Their software isn’t linked to this system.  To force close the updates we’d have to go back to Red Dwarf and leave them all here.”   
“So do that.”   
“What if something happens?”   
“Then I’ll have more closet space.”   
“You really aren’t...”   
  
Lister was interrupted by a chiming noise as Kryten rebooted.  He sighed with relief and darted over. “You okay, man?”   
“Indeed, Sir.  My CPU seems to have undergone quite the overhaul.  Goodness me, it’s so much more user friendly. It will be a lot easier to find files and information now!”   
“Well, that’s promising,” Lister relaxed slightly.  “Maybe the Rimmers will reload quicker than I thought as well.”   
“Maybe they’ll finally be more user friendly too,” Cat added.   
“I think they’re just booting up now, Sir.  Look.” Kryten pointed to the two lightbees, that had hovered into the air side by side.   
  
They floated back to where they’d been standing, and flared into life.  Rimmer reappeared, his red tunic replaced with a new blue uniform. Low Rimmer emerged back in his old outfit, but now in a shiny black that shimmered with dark colour in the light like an oil slick.  “You alright?” Lister asked them nervously.   
“How long were we out?” Rimmer asked, patting himself down.   
“Not very long.  Less than an hour.”   
“Sirs!” Kryten exclaimed, waving the psi-scan over them, “I don’t believe it!  You’ve been upgraded to hardlight! This is wonderful!”   
“Hardlight?”  Rimmer reached over and tentatively grasped Lister’s shoulder.  “You mean...I can touch? Feel?”    
  
Lister poked curiously at his chest in return and grinned when his fingers met solid resistance.  He looked up at Rimmer’s ecstatic face and couldn’t help but feel a little emotional at the happiness he saw there.  It was rare enough to see Rimmer smile, but he knew this was a dream come true for him; he’d been longing for a real body, a real physical presence, for so many years.   
  
Their gaze met, and Rimmer’s hand tightened on his shoulder.  Lister swallowed hard. They stared into each other’s eyes. Kryten was saying something, but he wasn’t listening.  All at once, Lister was very preoccupied with the realisation that bodies could do all kinds of things.   
  
Suddenly he felt another hand on him.  A hand that was very definitely and emphatically  _ not _ on his shoulder.  He gulped.   
  
_ Uh-oh. _ __   
  



	9. Chapter 9

Lister stared straight ahead the whole journey back to Red Dwarf, gripping the steering column painfully tight, and excruciatingly aware of the two pairs of eyes on him.  Kryten was still rhapsodising about their good fortune, “What a fruitful venture that was, Sirs! We all got things we needed, how often does that happen?”   
“I’m not sure we really ‘needed’ the inflatable seahorse,” Rimmer remarked dryly, but his tone was distinctly less bitter than usual.   
“Well, you can use it too now, Sir, if you fancy a dip.  In fact, think of all the things you’ll be able to do now!”   
“I am,” Rimmer replied quietly.  Lister felt butterflies in his stomach.   
“It’s the  _ only _ thing I’m thinking about,” Low Rimmer added pointedly, and Lister could hear the barely contained glee in his voice.  The butterflies started to panic slightly.   
“I even found some nice new longjohns for Mr Lister.  A red pair and a white pair. Isn’t that a treat?”   
“It’s great, Kryters,” Lister tried to sound calmer than he felt.   
“I’m sure you’ll look just smashing in them.”   
“Yes, I’m sure you will,” Low Rimmer agreed smoothly.  Lister cringed, waiting for the inevitable sleazy follow up of ‘you’d look better out of them’.  It didn’t come, and he wasn’t sure if that was heartening or even more disconcerting.   
  
The moment they were back on board, Lister grabbed the bag with all his new stuff in and quickly scurried down the ramp.  “What are you in such a hurry for?” Cat asked.   
“No hurry,” Lister said innocently.  “I just want to er...try on my new longjohns.”  He mentally cursed himself. The excuse practically invited Low Rimmer’s attention, but again he was surprisingly quiet.  All the same, Lister made a point of staying out of his reach as they all returned to their quarters.   
  
The atmosphere as they entered the bunkroom was charged.  He watched Rimmer drift around, picking things up and putting them down, running his fingers over every surface.  “You pleased?” he asked gently.   
“Yes,” Rimmer replied simply.   
“What’s it like?”   
“It’s like actually being here,” Rimmer said.  He corrected himself slightly, “It’s like actually  _ being _ .”   
“I’m happy for you, man.”   
“Me too.”   
  
There was a brief silence.  “What happens now?” Lister asked, his voice trembling slightly.   
“About what?” Rimmer tried and failed miserably to play it cool.   
“About us.  And him. Suddenly...it matters.”   
“I don’t know.  It’s your call. His files will be clear sometime tomorrow.”   
“I’ve gotta be honest with you,” Lister said awkwardly, “I know I dug my heels in about him, and I know I talked a big show earlier about believing in him and all that, but we both know even if he has potential, he’s not there yet.”   
“If at all.”   
“Which was fine when he was soft-light.  I was happy to be patient. But now...” Lister took a deep breath.  “I still want to believe in him. I still want to give him the benefit of the doubt.  But cards on the table, man, him being hardlight now is giving me some very...mixed feelings.”   
“We can still put him in quarantine if he causes trouble.”   
“He won’t agree to it, and if we force him then I can kiss goodbye to any shred of goodwill he had.”   
“Considering where he grabbed you earlier, I don’t think a kiss goodbye is what you should be worried about.”   
“It isn’t,” Lister replied gravely.  He tried not to think about all the possible things he could be worried about.  It was a long list. He made an effort to calm himself. “Maybe I’m being unfair.  I mean, all he’s done so far is cop a little feel. He hasn’t even been going crazy with the innuendo.”   
“I don’t know if that’s a good thing.  Normally he spews out whatever filth he’s thinking.  It’s not pleasant, but at least you know where you stand.  If he’s suddenly not wanting to share what he’s thinking, that might be a red flag.”   
“Maybe he’s just a bit overwhelmed.  This must be a big deal for him too. Perhaps he’s still processing it.”   
  
Rimmer pursed his lips, thinking.  “Well, he’s not in here chasing for another feel, which seems suspicious to me by itself.  I thought he’d be all over you like wasps on a picnic.”   
“Well, I mean, not to be too direct or anything but...maybe he’s just having a feel by himself?” Lister suggested sheepishly.  “You know what he’s like; pretty single-minded. Maybe he’s testing out his new equipment.”   
“Lister!”   
“I’m just saying.”   
  
Rimmer shot him a disapproving look, but he was blushing.  “Whatever he’s doing, I’m fairly certain we can assume he’s up to no good.”  He was quiet for a moment, then said, “Maybe you should make yourself scarce for a couple of days”   
“And go where?”   
“The ship is huge.  Just find somewhere quiet and lay low for a bit.  At least until the novelty of this has worn off slightly.”  Rimmer ran a finger over the tabletop and then stared at it intently.   
“I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  Besides, I’d feel safer with you guys nearby than off on my own.  I don’t think he’d try anything with everyone around.”   
“Better safe than sorry.”   
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”    
“No.”  Rimmer squirmed.  “Okay, yes,” he finally admitted with a sigh.  He looked over to Lister, his eyes full of deep embarrassment and shame; but also an undeniable hunger. “Because it’s not just him I’m worried about.”   
  
Lister stared at him, shocked.  Rimmer shrugged despondently, “You don’t understand.  There’s no way you could. This on its own would have been a big thing for me to adjust to, but with everything that’s happened recently, even just what’s happened  _ today _ ,” Rimmer shook his head, “I’m not sure how much control I have of myself.  And like you said, suddenly it matters.”   
Lister took a shy step towards him.  “Is that your way of saying...you  _ do _ want to do terrible things to me?” he asked with a soft hopeful smile.  Rimmer did not smile back.   
“No,” he said shortly.  “It’s my way of telling you I  _ don’t _ .  I don’t want to hurt you.  So maybe you shouldn’t stay here tonight.”   
“What if I didn’t mind being hurt just a little?”   
  
He saw Rimmer’s jaw clench, and he gingerly took another step forward.  “Rimmer, I know you want me. Even before you tried to wring his neck earlier, I kind of knew.  And honestly, maybe part of the reason I let him get under my skin is because I want you as well.”  He looked down, embarrassed. “You both know I’m a sucker for the romance and the clichès and all that mushy smeg.  I’m a softie, I admit it. But I kinda want some of the filthy stuff too, and I think he knows that. I just don’t want it to quite the same extent  _ he _ does.”  He took another cautious step closer, and placed his hand back on Rimmer’s chest.  He felt it rise and fall in response to his touch. “Maybe just to the same extent  _ you _ do.  So maybe I  _ should _ stay here tonight.”  He looked up into his face.  “That way we can make sure you’re the only one hurting me,” he whispered.   
  
Rimmer took a deep breath, and put his hand over Lister’s.  He held it for a few seconds before moving it gently but firmly away.  “Too soon,” he said hoarsely. “I want to, believe me. But it’s too much, too soon.  I can’t handle it. My lightbee feels like a hot coal inside me right now just from all this.  If we go any further I think it might blow. It’s too dangerous, for both of us.”   
Lister stepped back reluctantly, “Okay.”  He thought for a moment. “I’ll find an empty room somewhere just for tonight.  I’ll leave you alone to touch some stuff,” he gave a small flirty smile, “give you some time to get used to your new body.  But I’ll tell you where I am. That way you can check on me if you need to. And find me if you  _ want _ to.  If you’re ready.  Deal?”   
“Deal,” Rimmer nodded.   
“Maybe by tomorrow he’ll have chilled out a bit too.”   
“Don’t count on it.”   
  
Lister grabbed some belongings and hopped onto the subway system that ringed the ship.  He chose a stop at random and found himself a comfortable room near some vending machines.  He had a snack, watched a movie, then changed into his new white longjohns, which despite being pleasantly crisp and clean had apparently been designed for a six foot tall orangutan.  He rolled up the legs and sleeves and made do. He snuggled down into the spacious lower bunk and let his mind wander.   
  
What a day.  It was nice to finally know his own mind, to understand what it was he really wanted out of all this.  It was nicer still to know that he could now actually have it, once Rimmer had a handle on things. But it didn’t solve his big problem.  What to do with Low Rimmer? He was still reluctant to switch him off or lock him away if it could be avoided, particularly if anything he’d said to him this morning was true.  And Lister did want it to be true, even if, as he’d said to Rimmer earlier, it didn’t actually change anything. Annoyingly, he had developed something of a soft spot for the creepy bastard through his bizarre courtship.  It was hard not to feel  _ anything _ for someone who was going to such lengths to try and impress you.  Besides, his snarky ineptitude when it came to romance was so very Rimmeresque that it could be quite entertaining; even cute occasionally.  However, Lister was neither soft nor foolhardy enough to put blind faith in the guy. Especially now. He knew what he was capable of, and it scared him.   
  
He had told Holly to keep his whereabouts secret, and if pressed to say he wanted some privacy.  He thought that would keep Low Rimmer at bay for one night at least. It was unlikely he’d go to the trouble of searching for him for hours, and even more unlikely that he would find him if he did.  So long as he stayed here he was probably safe. Of course, tomorrow was a different story. He’d have to face him eventually, he couldn’t hide forever. Sooner or later he’d find himself alone with him.  And once that happened... Well, it was pretty certain sparks would fly.   
  
  
“Dave?  Dave?”   
Lister stirred hours later from a very hot dream involving multiple Rimmers and was briefly confused by his surroundings.  “Hol?”   
“Wakey-wakey.”   
“What time is it?”   
“About 0300 hours ship time.  Sorry to wake you, but I’ve got a little problem.”   
“Can’t it wait ‘til morning?”   
“I don’t want to risk it.  I think there’s been an electrical fire down on G-deck.  It’s knocked out a bunch of things, including the security cameras down there.  I can’t check how bad it is, or if it’s spreading. I need you to go take a look.”   
“The fire alarm hasn’t sounded.  I’m sure it’s fine.”   
“I don’t know if the fire’s affected the emergency systems.”   
“Ugh.”  Lister forced himself to roll out of bed and shoved his feet into his boots.  “Okay. Send some skutters to meet me there with a tool box.”   
  
He could smell burning plastic and smoke as he approached the site.  A wall panel was hanging loose, still spitting sparks and small flames, but the fire didn’t seem to have spread.  Lister extinguished the flames and examined it carefully. From the damage to the circuit board and the inside of the panel swinging loose, it looked like something had blown but it was impossible to tell what.  The whole thing would need replacing but that was a job for tomorrow. At least the fire was out. The skutter at his feet whirred and clicked for his attention and he looked down, “What?” It was holding something in its claw, which it dropped into his outstretched palm.  “What’s this?”   
  
He squinted at the object.  It was charred and ripped but it seemed to be a wrapper of some sort.  He smoothed it out, and saw the remains of the words ‘indoor fireworks’.  He looked back at the starburst burn mark on the open panel. Someone had started this fire deliberately.  And there was only one person who would have done it. The skutters started clicking and whistling frantically and he looked up.   
  
“Hello, my pretty,” Low Rimmer was standing a short distance away, watching him from the shadows with a predatory smile.  Lister’s heart leapt into his throat. He froze. Low Rimmer slowly looked him up and down, and Lister was suddenly very aware of how much of him these stupid longjohns revealed.  He felt exposed, and extremely vulnerable. If ever there was a time to hope and pray that Low Rimmer had developed a conscience it was now.   
  
“You did this.”   
“Yes.”   
“Why?”   
“Why do you think?” Low Rimmer stretched like a lion warming up for the hunt, a satisfied grin on his face.  “To flush my prey out of hiding.”   
  
Their eyes locked in a tense silence.  For a few long seconds, neither of them moved.  Lister searched frantically for some kind of sign; a gesture, a word, even a mocking snigger to reassure him that this was just more attention-seeking, a bit of harmless teasing to make him squirm.  There was nothing, and in a moment of terrifying certainty he knew that the guy wasn’t playing. Any spark of tenderness he might possibly have been harbouring for him had been smothered by one powerful overriding desire, and he’d been lured down here into a trap with one single purpose.  Low Rimmer wanted to touch him; and now that he could, nothing was going to stop him.   
  
Lister ran.  He spun round and fled down the corridor back towards the lifts.  He wasn’t fast enough. Low Rimmer snatched him from behind, pinning him close and pressing one hand over his mouth.  His hardlight grip was like iron. He squeezed Lister against him in obvious delight. “We’re going to have some fun, aren’t we, my pretty?” he breathed in Lister’s ear.  “At least...I’m going to have some fun with you.” He lifted him off his feet and dragged him away down the corridor.   
  



	10. Chapter 10

_ Clunk.  Clunk. Clunk _ .  Rimmer opened one eye.   _ Clunk.  Clunk. Clunk. _  “What the smeg?”  Something was knocking against the door of the sleeping quarters.  He stumbled out of bed and hit the release switch. The door whooshed open onto the empty corridor.  He squinted sleepily into the darkness, both cross and wary. Was this some sneaky trick by his low self?  The creep had unsurprisingly been sniffing around earlier looking for Lister, and Rimmer had sent him packing.  Something jabbed sharply at his bare foot and he yelped. “Ow! Smeg!” He finally looked down to see two skutters beckoning him insistently.  “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know what time it is?” One of them pecked at his foot again, clearly agitated. “Stop that! I only just got this body, don’t bruise it!”  The other one grabbed his pyjama leg and started to tug on it. “Hey! Let go of that, you stupid Meccano maniac. Holly!”   
“Yes, Arnold?” She appeared on the screen in the hallway.   
“What’s wrong with these wretched things?”   
“I don’t know.  They’re supposed to be helping Dave.”   
“With what?”   
“An electrical fire on G-deck.  Maybe he needs a hand.”   
“Well, check.”   
“I can’t, the fire knocked out all the comms in that area.”   
  
Rimmer tensed.  “Are you telling me that Lister is out there all alone?  Why didn’t you alert everyone?”   
“Well, it’s late, innit?  Kryten can manage his own maintenance but he’s not a whiz at the more advanced stuff, and no offence but you and Cat are about as much use as a cocktail umbrella in the monsoon season.”  

The skutters drove behind him and started to try and push him out the door.  “Something’s clearly wrong. Use the thermal scanners. Is he still at the repair site?”   
“Hang on.”  Holly closed her eyes in concentration.  “No, doesn’t look like it.”   
“So where is he?  Find him!”   
“It looks like he’s in a room just down the hall from there.  And uh,” Holly’s expression slowly changed to one of alarm, “Oh, crap.  I think he’s in trouble.”   
“Why?”   
“Because he’s not alone.” She shared an anxious look with Rimmer.  They both knew what that meant.   
“Shut him down,” Rimmer ordered frantically.  “Shut him down NOW.”   
“His files aren’t clear of yours yet.  It could cause irreversible damage to your system.”   
“Then project me up there.  And wake the others!”   
“It will take a couple of minutes for your lightbee to rematerialise in the new location.”   
“Then do it fast!” Rimmer yelled.   
  
  
Lister pulled desperately at the restraints holding him to the bed, as Low Rimmer crawled purposefully on top of him.  “Lemme go! Come on, man, you know this is not going to end well for you.”   
“It seems to be going very well so far,” Low Rimmer sat heavily on his legs to stop him kicking and Lister itched to throw him off.     
“You’re having fun now, but you won’t enjoy the consequences,” he warned desperately.  “You won’t get away with this.”   
“I don’t care.  Do you know how long it’s been since I touched anything?  Tasted anything?” He leaned over and licked Lister’s bare chest.  “You are an exquisite banquet, my pretty, and I am going to  _ eat you alive _ .”   
  
_ Oh smeg oh smeg oh smeg _ .  “Maybe we can work out some kind of compromise,” Lister persisted.  “Remember how we talked about compromise?”   
“Compromise?” Low Rimmer cocked his head like a dog, “Yes, I remember.”   
“Good.  That’s good.  You untie me and we’ll talk about how we can resolve this so that you don’t get switched off and I don’t get nightmarishly violated.  How about that?”   
“Hmmm...No.”   
“No?  Just no?”   
“I don’t want to talk.  I want to play.” He sucked hard on Lister’s nipples, a little  _ too _ hard, making him gasp.  “You don’t really want to talk either,” he hissed.  “You want this. I know you do.”   
“I don’t.  I really really don’t.”   
“Bad Listy.  Naughty Listy.”  Low Rimmer landed a stinging slap on his inner thigh.  “It’s wrong to tell lies to Rimsy.”   
“This is  _ not _ what I want!”     
“Oh yes, it is.  I know. I know all the nasty dirty thoughts you’ve had about me.  I know you’ve dreamed about this over and over.”   
“What?  What do you...”   
“That dream recorder is a handy little device.  Full of inspiration.”   
“You looked at my dreams?!  When?”   
“Lots of times,” he sniggered.     
Lister felt his face flame red, “Dreams don’t mean anything!”   
“Then why are you getting hard, my pretty?  Why is the memory of all those nasty fantasies exciting you so?”    
  
Lister mentally cursed his attention-starved libido and traitorous penis.  Okay, some of those dreams had been pretty wild. And okay, it had been a long time since he was naked with someone on top of him.  And  _ okay _ , if it wasn’t for the fact he had reached an accord - more or less - with Rimmer, coupled with the fact that he was at least 90% positive that whatever Low Rimmer had planned for him wasn’t going to be nearly as pleasurable as those dreams, then maybe he could get on board with this.  It wasn’t the first time in his life he’d been tied to a bed, after all. But somehow, looking around at the preparations Low Rimmer had spent the afternoon making, he didn’t think whatever happened next in this scenario was going to be about what he might want or enjoy.   
  
“I know this is difficult for you to understand,” he tried to keep his voice calm and kindly, “but for most people, feelings - especially sexual feelings - are complicated.”   
“Well, yes.  The logistics can become tricky when you start getting creative.  Have you ever tried fastening a corset with one hand?”   
“No, no, I mean, sometimes the stuff you think about isn’t actually stuff you want to do.”   
“That’s absurd.  I want to do  _ all _ the stuff I think about.  Otherwise what’s the point?”   
“I don’t want you to hurt me,” Lister stressed fearfully.   
“That’s a shame.  Then you really won’t enjoy what’s coming next.  Well, a shame for  _ you _ anyway.”  He grinned wolfishly.  “I’ll still enjoy it.”   
  
Low Rimmer jumped eagerly off the bed and picked up a black leather flogger and Lister cringed.  The guy must have really raided that sex shop down on X-deck. At least he hadn’t been able to get his holowhip back; not that this was likely to be much better.  “Hey,” he pleaded, “c’mon, remember all that stuff you said to me earlier. About how you liked my smile. How I made you feel good things. Remember that?”   
“Lies!  All lies!” Low Rimmer crowed triumphantly, “I’ve never had a feeling in my life!”    
Lister felt a sharp mix of crushing disappointment and furious indignation.  He could hear Rimmer in his head.  _ Told you so _ .  “You little smegger!  You never meant any of it?”   
“Of course not!”  Low Rimmer assumed a falsely adoring expression and fluttered his eyelashes at him, “Oh, Listy!  You make me want to crap marshmallows and spunk candyfloss.” He cackled evilly.   
“You utter bastard!  I can’t believe I ever thought you had a shred of decency in you!” Lister raged.   
“Neither can I!  Even I didn’t think you’d fall for it so completely.”  Low Rimmer walked back to the bed and trailed the flogger down Lister’s naked body.  “Silly Listy.” He brought it down on his stomach, pulling the blow at the last second so it only stung him lightly, and laughed when he flinched.   
“When I get out of these restraints I am going to make you wish you’d never been born!” Lister growled.  “You’re going to wish you’d stayed softlight when I get my hands on you!”   
“By the time you get out of these restraints, you won’t be in any state to do anything to me.  You won’t be able to walk. You won’t be able to get out of this bed.” Low Rimmer crawled on top of him again, pinning him down and leaning into his face.  “You’ll be a broken wreck, and whatever you do to me in revenge will have been worth it. Besides,” he grinned infuriatingly, “I’ll probably enjoy it.”   
  
Lister let out a short scream - a mix of rage, frustration and fear - and tried again to pull himself free.  Low Rimmer put his hand back over his mouth. “Save your breath. And your energy. You’ll scream a lot more before tonight is over, my sexy little toy.  In fact, I think we’ve heard enough from you altogether.” He reached over to the array of props placed neatly within reach of the bed and picked up a soft leather gag, fastening it tightly around Lister’s mouth.  “There, much better. It suits you, my pretty. But now we have to punish you, don’t we? Because naughty Listy shouldn’t have tried to hide from us on the big empty ship.” He stood over him and raised the flogger up high.  “So now he has to suffer.”   
  
Lister screwed his eyes shut, and cringed back with a whimper.  Nothing happened. When he risked opening his eyes again, Low Rimmer was still poised above him, but with a strange look of disquiet on his face.  “Could you...?” he frowned and paused uncertainly, lowering the whip, “could you try and look more  _ into _ this?”  Lister stared at him in disbelief.  Low Rimmer shook himself. “Never mind.  Prepare to be ravaged to the depths of your mewling soul.”  He drew his arm back again, then twitched violently and dropped the flogger.  “No! Bad Rimsy! You’re scaring him!” He twitched again, grasping his head. “He  _ should _ be scared!  He should tremble at my very presence.   _ My _ Listy!   _ My _ toy!”  Lister watched with a growing combination of fear and fascination as Low Rimmer slapped himself hard.  “Bad! Nasty! Pet the Listy. Kiss his nose. Feed him jellybeans. Make him smile. No, no, no! Smack him!  Fuck him hard! Make him beg for mercy! Gah!”   
  
Low Rimmer staggered in wild confusion and threw himself back down on top of Lister, nose to nose.  “What have you done? I want to hurt you but... I  _ can’t!   _ Something inside won’t let me, it’s like my brain is all warped and twisted up in a knot.  I want to...I want to  _ cuddle _ you.  Arrrgh!”  He threw his head back in disgust and dismay.  “What’s happening to me? This is all your fault!  You and your stupid movies, and your pathetic big brown eyes, and your ridiculous chirpy chipmunk cheeks.  I’m going to kill you! You’ve broken me! You...made...me... _ f-f-feel! _ ”     
  
Low Rimmer let out an agonised scream.  Smoke started to pour out of his mouth. His image fizzed, flickered, and then with a bang he burst out of existence.  His frazzled lightbee dropped onto Lister’s bare stomach. It was red hot. He squeaked and twisted, quickly tipping it off him onto the floor, but not before it had left a pink mark on his skin like sunburn.  It rolled across the room, still smouldering, and finally came to a halt against an alarmingly large bottle of lube, a fine black plume of smoke drifting sadly towards the ceiling. 


	11. Chapter 11

Lister slumped back on the bed, relieved but bewildered.  Just then, Rimmer tumbled through the door and rushed over.  “Are you okay? Where is that bastard? Did he hurt you?” Rimmer leapt onto the bed and pulled the gag from Lister’s mouth.  “Are you okay?” he demanded again.   
“I’m okay,” Lister gasped.  “He overloaded before he could do anything.”  He nodded to the busted lightbee.   
“Thank smeg for that.”   
  
Lister looked up with a wicked smile.  Now that he was no longer at risk of being lashed to within an inch of his life, and now that he had the correct Rimmer with him, being tied to this bed suddenly didn’t seem so bad.  Without another word, he stretched up and kissed him deeply. When they finally moved apart, Rimmer looked vaguely shellshocked. “Are you trying to explode me too?”   
“He malfunctioned because he couldn’t cope with his conflicting emotions, not from excitement.  I think your feelings are a tad more straightforward.” Lister glanced down at the erection distorting Rimmer’s pyjamas.  “What do you reckon?” His eyes twinkled.

“Are you sure about this?  You really want to do this now?”   
“Smeg, yes,” Lister kissed him again.   
“But...”   
“Rimsy, fuck now, talk later.”   
Rimmer processed this, then nodded briskly.  “Yep. Sounds good.” He reached up to free Lister’s left wrist but he stopped him with a soft purr.   
“No.  Leave ‘em on.”   
  
Five glorious but short minutes later, Cat and Kryten burst into the room.  “Unhand him, you beast!”   
“Playtime’s over, buddy!”   
“Wait!” Rimmer squawked, just as Cat’s new fishing net dropped over his head and he was yanked off Lister onto the floor.  “Ow!”   
“Guys...!” Lister had barely opened his mouth to protest before Kryten was fussing over him.   
“Oh, Sir!  Don’t you worry, your hideous ordeal is over!  That awful Mr Low can’t hurt you now! That depraved lunatic!  What kind of monster could even conceive of engaging in such obscene acts!”   
Lister looked at Kryten’s distraught face, looked at Rimmer sitting naked on the floor with a furious expression and a fishing net on his head, and had absolutely no idea how to explain this.  “Wow,” he grinned sheepishly, “...um, this is awkward.”   
  
  
“Aaaaand.....we’re done!” Kryten announced cheerfully the next day, stepping back from the screen.  “All of Low Mr Rimmer’s files have now been extrapolated.”   
“Finally,” Rimmer grumbled.  “I feel cleaner already.”   
“Considering the events of last night, Sir, I’m not sure you have any right to.”   
“What did you just say?!”   
Lister suppressed a laugh, “Whatever.  It’s done.” He sadly prodded the burnt-out lightbee.  “Not that it makes any difference to him. Unless we find another one of these on our travels, we can’t reboot him.”   
“Listen, Squire, if we find any more lightbees, I’m calling dibs.  Who knows when I might need a spare?”   
“Maybe you’re right.  Who knows what kind of random innocent activity might cause you to blow without warning?” he raised an eyebrow, smirking.   
Rimmer glared at him, face reddening, “It’s not a  _ challenge _ , Lister.”   
  
“What would you wanna bring Kinky McKinkface back for anyway?” Cat demanded.  “The dude’s been bad news from the start. I can understand you wanting to block certain parts of last night from your memory, but have you already forgotten the bit where you nearly got tortured?”   
“I know, I know.  But he didn’t actually do anything to me when it came down to it.”   
“Don’t be so flippant,” Rimmer scolded.  “You came within an inch of having your arse thrashed last night.   _ Literally _ .”   
“Maybe that doesn’t seem so bad after what actually  _ did _ happen to his ass last night,” Cat remarked.   
“Oi,” Lister warned, “both of you leave my arse out of this.”    
“I’m just saying, buddy, even if this stupid egg wasn’t fried,” Cat batted dismissively at the broken lightbee, “it’s probably still rotten.  Chuck it in the garbage chute and forget about it.”   
“It may be the only intelligent thing he’s ever said, but he’s right,” Rimmer agreed.  “Good riddance.”   
“The bee is past saving either way,” Lister admitted.  “We might as well chuck it. But he’s not  _ in _ the bee, is he?  He’s in the files.”  He looked at the small folder icon on the screen, titled ‘Low’.     
  
“As I said, Sir, all his information has been isolated.  We can delete the folder without any further issues,” Kryten confirmed.     
Lister felt a sad twinge in his stomach.  “I can’t.”   
“Lister, don’t be such a sap.  He’s a menace. Just wipe him and everything can go back to normal.”   
“It’s like killing him.”   
“Good!”   
“I know he was never going to be the nicest guy ever...”   
“Are you serious?”   
“...but obviously we had more of an effect on him than any of us realised, even him.”   
“I don’t think we had much to do with it, Sir.  Any progress accomplished was down to you.”   
“And still pretty smegging limited,” Rimmer pointed out sourly.   
“But with time...”   
“Face it, Lister, he wasn’t equipped to deal with those kind of feelings.  The squishy stuff wasn’t compatible with his fundamental personality algorithms.  That’s why he overloaded.”   
“And let’s be realistic, Sir, Mr Cat has a point.  What are we saving his data for? Even if we could find a replacement lightbee, would you really want to revive him?  He wasn’t exactly a delight to have aboard.”   
“You’re telling me?”   
  
Lister fought with himself internally.  “I’m not wiping the files,” he said eventually.  His tone was final. “The whole reason I started this in the first place was because enough people had died.  Besides, he held up his side of the bargain in his own way. He became better than he was.”   
“Lister...”   
“He’s not doing any harm sitting on a data file.  Maybe I don’t want to wake him up, but we can let him sleep without pulling the plug.”   
“As you wish, Sir.”   
Lister leaned over and gave the icon a sad little pat.  “Sorry, man. It’s not your fault you weren’t cut out for feelings and stuff.  We kinda smegged up when we created you, but I hope you’re at peace in there.”   
  
“You are without doubt the soppiest git who ever existed,” Rimmer rolled his eyes.   
“Maybe, but you still haven’t admitted I was right.”   
“About what?”   
“He  _ was _ capable of change.”   
“Barely.”   
“And he  _ did _ have real feelings for me.”   
“Very weird and conflicted feelings.”   
“And you don’t?”   
“Not to quite the same degree.  When I get the urge to strangle you it’s for very different reasons.”   
“Hey, he said he wanted to feed me jellybeans too.”   
“That’s not weird?”   
“Perhaps, but I wouldn’t object.”   
  
“Ugh,” Cat shared a disgusted look with Kryten.  “They’re giving off that smell again. I’m outta here before they start touching and stuff.”   
“I must admit I find this new development to matters somewhat confusing and perplexing,” Kryten told them.  “Why spend all that time trying to avoid intimate contact with one Mr Rimmer only to indulge in it with another?”   
“We’re not exactly interchangeable, Kryten!” Rimmer huffed in indignation.   
“Much as I hate to say it, Goalpost Head is right.  They are different. The other dude had style. Not  _ good _ style but at least it was a look.”   
“I thought you were leaving?” Rimmer snapped.   
“It’s going to take some time for us to get used to this as well,” Lister told them.  “We’ve got some...stuff...to talk about,” he threw Rimmer a coy glance, “...and explore.”   
“But, Sir, having seen the very worst of Mr Rimmer laid bare, how can you even contemplate becoming intimately involved with him?”   
“Because I’ve seen the best of him too; and the best and worst of myself.  You know what I learned? In our extremes, there wasn’t a whole heap of difference.  We’re both messed up.” He gave Rimmer a small smile, “And I’m tired of trying to force a feral cat into a dress and pram.”   
“What???” Cat looked alarmed.   
“Never mind.  My point is, he’s not as bad as you think he is, and maybe I’m not as nice.  Besides,” he sidled up to Rimmer, “in some respects, when he’s at his worst he’s also at his  _ best _ .”   
  
“That’s it, I’m gone!” Cat bolted out, followed by Kryten clucking anxiously about bizarre psychosexual human behaviour.   
Rimmer smiled nervously at Lister, “You know, you haven’t really seen me at my absolute worst yet.”   
“Well, that’s something to look forward to,” Lister slipped his arms around him.   
“I wouldn’t be quite so sure.”   
“You haven’t seen my worst yet either remember.”   
“I can’t imagine it’s too terrifying, Mr Feed-Me-Jellybeans.”   
“Oh Rimsy, I think you might be in for a surprise.”   
“So, if I peek under your dress and bonnet are you going to show me your claws, kitty?”   
“Hey, it’s a good place to start,” Lister murmured, leaning in for a kiss.   
  
  
  



End file.
